Lay it All Down

Music has a way of expressing how we feel… stealing words right outta our hearts, better said than we ever could.  Sometimes they pinpoint how we’ve been feeling or what we’ve been struggling with for so long, something we couldn’t put our own finger on.

This is such a song.

Nightminds
Missy Higgins

Just lay it all down
Put your face into my neck and let it fall out
I know, I know, I know
I knew before you got home

This world you’re in now
It doesn’t have to be alone
I’ll get there somehow, ’cause
I know, I know, I know
When even springtime feels cold

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark
And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds, and into the light
At the end of the fight

You were blessed by
A different kind of inner view
It’s all magnified
The highs would make you fly
But the lows make you want to die

And I was once there
Hanging from that very ledge where you are standing
So I know, I know, I know
It’s easier to let go

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark
And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

After a time in my life when most of my relationships have been tested and tried, I’ve found myself meditating on what true loyalty means.  What it looks like in relationships.  If it’s possible, even in me.

This song just touched my heart, so I had to share.  It describes the true-blue loyal friend we’re all seeking: one who sees your struggles, sticks by your side through it and shares the dark with you… then helps you walk together toward new light.  New hope and peace.  A new perspective.

God, to be such a friend and to have one!

Growing Bamboo Roots

I’ve been toying with a temptation lately, something that allures many of us in difficulty: the temptation to quit.  The stress of what’s going on in my life feels far beyond what I can bear (not trying to dramatize, just wanna be transparent on this blog thingy :)

I think we all value Authenticity–myself especially–yet I’ve seen myself grow increasingly fake as I’ve struggled to handle what’s happening in my heart.  How do I tell people?

Welp, I haven’t.

But I think bearing burdens together makes you grow stronger, not weaker like I’ve always feared.  Grief shared is halved.  Whenever I’ve opened up, I felt much lighter and free-er, and my struggle lost much of its power/grip on me.  And my fears–the ones that told me to give up–died when brought to light.  I began asking myself, What was I so scared of?

Today I stumbled upon a fantastic ditty on “Quitting”, written by a man named Stephen Diffy (with some additions/edits by me).  I hope his piece inspires you to keep going, to trust God when we’re hard-pressed, and to not give up either.

We press on.

xoxox Summer

———-

One day I decided to quit… I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality… I wanted to quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

“God,” I said. “Can you give me one good reason not to quit?”  His answer surprised me.

“Look around,” He said.  “Do you see the fern and the bamboo?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.  I gave them light.  I gave them water.  The fern quickly grew from the earth.  Its brilliant green covered the floor.  Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.

“But I did not quit on the bamboo.  In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.  And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.  But I did not quit on the bamboo,” He said.

“In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.  But I would not quit.  In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed.  I would not quit,” He said.  “Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

“Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant… but just 6 months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

“It had spent the five years growing roots.

“Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.  Without deep roots, the bamboo would have never grown to be so tall–it wouldn’t have had the strength to support its massive height.

“Trust Me when you don’t see progress in your life.  I would not give any of My creations a challenge it could not handle or one without purpose.”

He said to me, “Did you know, My child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?

“I would not quit on the bamboo.  I will never quit on you.  Don’t compare yourself to others,” He said.  “The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern… yet they both make the forest beautiful.

“Your time will come,” God said to me.  “You will rise high!”

“How high should I rise?” I asked.

“How high will the bamboo rise?” He asked in return.

“As high as it can?” I questioned.

“Yes,” He said.  “Give Me glory by rising as high as you can.”

I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.  Never regret a day in your life.

Good days give you happiness
Bad days give you experiences
Both are essential to life.

“A happy and meaningful life requires our continuous input and creativity.  It does not happen by chance.  It happens because of our choices and actions.  And each day we are given new opportunities to choose and act and, in doing so, we create our own unique journey.”  Keep going…

Happiness keeps you sweet,
Trials keep you strong,
Sorrows keep you human,
Failures keep you humble,
Success keeps you glowing,
but only God keeps you going!

Your Redemption is Near

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed.  The night is nearly over; the day is almost here.

-Romans 13:11-12

Today this Scripture was highlighted to me.  Your redemption draws nigh!

Redemption is His glory at the end of a long, difficult road.  God is weaving His redemption into each of our lives every passing day.  He is making our lives beautiful, turning what the enemy meant for evil into good.

This is the story of how He redeemed me.

Redemption from Pain

College and the years after brimmed with deep pain and darkness for me.  Some people call it the “Dark Night of the Soul”.  This was mine.

During my teenage years I had some tough experiences, things people should never have to deal with.  What followed was a decade of indescribable pain.  Life was crushing.  I don’t know how else to describe it.

The first year was a blur; I simply don’t remember much.  Each subsequent year was filled with searching, grasping for something to heal my wounds.  Utter desperation.  Despair.  Teeny glimmers of hope after all seemed lost.  And extreme confusion.

I turned over one stone only to uncover more.  There were LAYERS to this thing, this mountain of pain I held inside.  What was the answer?  What did I need most?

I realized I faced a choice: Deal with my experiences with my Healer’s help, the One I’d walked away from years prior, or turn away again to other ‘lovers’.

By the grace of God, this time around I chose Him.

As the pain intensified – which often happens on the road to freedom — I shrank back in fear, a shell of myself.  I sought Him, but leaned heavily on other crutches to make it through.  I didn’t want to unleash a torrent of struggles onto others, and I struggled to trust them, so I fumblingly turned to God again and again.  I slipped, yes!, but I returned to His feet.  I sought His heart for me.  I sought His salve and His touch… but I didn’t fully trust Him either.  Intimacy terrified me, so I played peek-a-boo with my Saviour for much too long, thinking He wouldn’t approve when He saw me up close.

But that’s not what we learn from His precious promises to us.  God shows His heart for His beloved, despite their repeated betrayal, in Hosea:

Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but He will heal us;
He has injured us
but He will bind up our wounds.
After two days He will revive us;
on the third day He will restore us,
that we may live in His presence.
Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge Him.
As surely as the sun rises,
He will appear;
He will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.

-Hosea 6:1-3

Ever so slowly, light shone into my prison.  God entered and chased away my shame, one lie at a time.  He began stripping me of old habits and destructive cycles, revealing to me a new abundant way of life.  Then He did a remarkable thing.  Like His word says, He gave me a new name!, one spoken to me in the depth of the pit: JOY.  I stared back at the man who spoke this over my life, this word of faith, through the eyes of deep sadness and pain.  Joy — me?  He said I’ll bring joy wherever I go?  Wow!  How unthinkable in that season, but how like our Creator to make us into the unthinkable–something glorious–when we could’ve never accomplished it on our own.  How beautiful!  :)

One painstaking step of faith at a time, I learned to trust my Creator as He showed Himself most trustworthy!  This word became true in my life:

The LORD sets prisoners free,
the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.
The LORD watches over the alien
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

-Psalm 146

This story of redemption is yours, and it is mine.  And it is life-changing when we share it with others.

Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So!

Revelation 12 teaches us invaluable information about our redemption, our salvation:

Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

‘Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of His Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
They overcame him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.’

To overcome our mutual enemy, each of us must share our story in our circles– proclaim our freedom, God’s redemption of our pain!  Scripture says “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!”  Speak it.  Share our travels.  Surely somewhere along the way, we will meet others struggling through areas God has given us victory in.  With these people we are compelled to share that freedom is possible, they are not alone, and such beauty awaits them on the other side. 

And that’s why I share mine.

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
because they rebelled against God’s commands
and despised the plans of the Most High.
So He subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and He saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love
and His wonderful deeds for mankind,
for He breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron…
He sent out His word and healed them;
He rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love
and His wonderful deeds for mankind.
Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of His works with songs of joy.

-Psalm 107

Do you see it?  Despite our self-made prisons and self-imposed chains, God breaks down bronze gates and iron bars.  This is redemption.  It is God giving ear to our cries in our distress.  It is our powerful Saviour rescuing us from every kind of death.

Hallelujah :)

Beauty from Ashes

God didn’t just save me from darkness.  He saved me to someplace, a place He carved out for me before the world began. (Thanks to Beth Moore for this revelation!)

Ten years after the nightmare began, after believing no man would brave peering into my brokenness or would find beauty there, God gave me my heart’s desire: He made me a radiant bride!  I didn’t think this time would actually come.  If my tough experiences had taught me anything, it was that I’d always be in ‘waiting mode’.  Yet, that assumption proved false.  Even now I find it hard to wrap my mind around how far He’s brought me.  Me.  Redeemed.

Yet here I am.

My mom called my attention to this recently at my “early birthday” celebration, words I can’t forget.  She said that despite the long journey I’ve taken — the pain and sadness, my desire to get married earlier than I did, and the painful waiting period that ensued — when my time arrived, God blessed me with two weddings, two honeymoons and all kinds of two-ness (two becoming one)!  [Yes, we had two wedding celebrations: our wedding day with parents and pastor, and a huge one with all our loved ones.]  As she said this, instantly this verse flashed into my mind:

Instead of your shame
   you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
   you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
   and everlasting joy will be yours.

-Isaiah 61:7

[and in the Amplified]:

Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs.

Before marriage, I felt shame.  Many of my God-given dreams hinged on meeting the right man, starting a family and creating a life together.  But my dreams tarried.

Yet now I see how the Lord has turned each of these challenging times around for my good.  Each painful season changed something in me that needed to be changed, and each tough path I have traveled thus far has shown me new pathways to healing and freedom that I now share with others.  God has made “all things work together” on my and my husband’s behalf, and in the process He has made (and continues to make!) our story soo beautiful!

A year ago I would have never envisioned the life I’m now living every day.   I recall one moment last spring when God whispered to me, in my utter despair, “It’s always darkest before dawn.” He knew that after enough time passed and life didn’t happen as I’d imagined, hope died in me.

But God is faithful!  Eight months later I was blessed with two totally unique weddings — one flanked by New Mexico’s gorgeous snow and mountains and the other surrounded by Florida’s sunshine, sand and palm trees — and two honeymoons, when I’d only dreamed of one!  Both days were exceptionally beautiful.

Wow!  Did I deserve such grace after the places I’d been?  Or after failing to believe that He cared for me and would bless me one day?  No I didn’t.  Yet, that’s what grace means.  It isn’t earned or merited.  It is freely given.

His word promises us,

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten –
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm –
My great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will My people be shamed.

-Joel 2:25-26

Repaid me He has.  And this is just the beginning of my story.

His promises are so beautiful because they are so true!  He will give us beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  That’s just what He’s done (and continuing to do) in my life.  And that’s just what He’s doing in yours.

Our Final Redemption

God’s final promise of redemption will greet us in the next life.  It is such a glorious promise!  Savor each word because this is His promise to YOU and to me, to all His children, in the place He’s preparing for us:

“Though you were once despised and hated,
with no one traveling through you,
I will make you beautiful forever,
a joy to all generations.
Powerful kings and mighty nations
will satisfy your every need,
as though you were a child
nursing at the breast of a queen.
You will know at last that I, the Lord,
am your Savior and your Redeemer,
the Mighty One of Israel.
I will exchange your bronze for gold,
your iron for silver,
your wood for bronze,
and your stones for iron.
I will make peace your leader
and righteousness your ruler.
Violence will disappear from your land;
the desolation and destruction of war will end.
Salvation will surround you like city walls,
and praise will be on the lips of all who enter there.

“No longer will you need the sun to shine by day,
nor the moon to give its light by night,
for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
Your sun will never set;
your moon will not go down.
For the Lord will be your everlasting light.
Your days of mourning will come to an end.
All your people will be righteous.
They will possess their land forever,
for I will plant them there with My own hands
in order to bring Myself glory.
The smallest family will become a thousand people,
and the tiniest group will become a mighty nation.
At the right time, I, the Lord, will make it happen.”

-Isaiah 60

Until heaven, God will be working redemption in our lives here on earth.  Each broken part of us He redeems, each wound He heals in this life points us to our final destination and the Ultimate Redemption of mankind.  God promises a heavenly home where the sun never goes down!  Tears are not cried!  Unfathomable now, but it will be our reality later–just as I could never have hoped or dreamed or expected the life I’m now experiencing daily.  I couldn’t have even wished for the love I now know in marriage.  And this is just a glimpse of what’s to come.

I’ll leave you with God’s best promise of all.  See for yourself–Ephesians 3:14-21.  Let’s always remind ourselves and each other that we can trust God because He is faithful! 

Women of Strength

This is good — contrasting “Strong Women” who seem to have it all together (who does?) and “Women of Strength” who rely on Him to make them strong.  My favorites are bolded:

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A strong woman works out daily to keep her body in shape,
but a woman of strength kneels in prayer to keep her soul in shape.

A strong woman isn’t afraid of anything,
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of fear.

A strong woman won’t let anyone get the best of her,
but a woman of strength gives the best of her to everyone.

A strong woman walks sure-footedly,
but a woman of strength knows God will catch her when she falls.

A strong woman wears the look of confidence on her face,
but a woman of strength wears grace.

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey,
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

In a recent job interview, I was asked (half-seriously): If you were a superhero, who would you be and why? 

My response (after laughing!): “Superwoman, because she saves the whole world — and looks great doing it!”

Hah — Yes, I’m ridiculous.  But it got me thinking.  Is this our goal as ladies?  Apparently it was mine.  But the sad truth is I’ll (probably) never be Superwoman.  A girl can dream, and a cape may look good on me, but I’ll never be able to ‘do it all’.  Is that a tough pill to swallow or what?

Not you, you say?  After all you’re lacing up those sneakers for a third half-marathon… You cook gourmet fare 5 nights a week (does Kraft count?)… Your kids are honor roll-ees (except that one semester)…. You juggle work, marriage and motherhood with grace, poise (and caffeine).  And you look good doing it.

But if we’re honest, we’re worn out from the Superwoman treadmill.  I for one want to get OFF.  And I’d like to not incur judgment for doing it.  This means we must give and receive grace for messing up.  This means we can laugh at our mistakes, not take them personally, brush ourselves off and ask for strength the next time.

Our world tells us (and we wanna believe!) we can do it all – achieve it all – but we reach The Wall eventually. We all face limitations. I fight my own weaknesses.  Funny enough, though we try to cover them up or downplay them, people around us know our faults anyway.  Time tells all.  We can’t hide them, so why not vocalize them and ask for people’s help?   This makes our struggles lose their power over us!

“But wait!” you say.  “Superwoman can’t ask for help!  Who will take her seriously?”

One of my favorite quotes ever says Never trust a leader without a limp.  If someone is unwilling to own their flaws in front of their people, they are not yet fit for leadership. A true leader must reveal who they are — warts & all — in order to successfully encourage others.  When a leader covers their struggles, they appear prideful and a tad dishonest (or outta touch with reality).  Pride leads to falls.  Dishonesty leads to much worse.  Neither trait qualifies a person to lead.

Some people have told me how “strong” I am and that I have my “act together”.  This makes me question myself: Do I show others I’m merely a strong woman who relies on myself or do I show that I’m a woman who relies on God to help me excel?  Do I grab His glory and hang onto it myself, or do I pass it on to the only One who owns it (and can handle it)?

Does my strength come from ME or from Him?  If Him, then people should be singing His praises when strength and excellence show up in my life!  People are drawn to those who have Supernatural Strength in their lives.  If you and I continuously give God the kudos, others will be more likely to turn to Him in their time of need, too.

Because we’re all weak sometimes.  We all need strength and courage and help.

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”  – Isaiah 40:31 

Are we pointing other ladies to Christ’s power in us, or are we keeping His praise for ourselves?  Are we relying on our own power, or are we gaining strength from Him?

Food for thought.  And (I hope) for change.

“Koinonia”: A Taste of True Community

Once upon a time, I attended the Focus on the Family Institute (now Focus Leadership Institute) in Colorado Springs.  An amazing, life-altering experience, and one of the best decisions I’ve made in my spiritual journey. 

What made it so awesome?

Fellowship!  Up until that point, I walked out my faith largely alone.  Sure I churched, retreated, Bible studied, mission-tripped, worshipped and prayed.  Yay for me!  But those didn’t change me the way people did.  Until FFI, I was living day-to-day by myself. 

The Focus Institute’s focus on community turned my world upside-down.  Suddenly I was surrounded by believers who lived their faith and passionately loved the Lord!  I felt safe, valued for who and how I am, and respected, and everyone around me was too.  It was amazing.  The men stepped up and treated us ladies with love and service – the way God designed women to be treated – instead of pursuing us for worldly reasons.  It was a slice of heaven. 

Weekly we came together for “Koinonia” – fellowship, worship, food and just QT.  I adored it!!  People were honest about where they were at.  Broken from their pasts.  In such intimacy, facades couldn’t survive, and it rocked! 

Since leaving Focus, I’ve hunted for a community of believers that compares.  I’ve struggled to find others (especially my age) willing to live their lives openly.  After several years of searching, I found myself retreating to old ways of doing relationships and feeling vulnerable at how vulnerable I became after Focus.  Being fake and “having it all together” became the norm again.  There seemed no other option. 

This is precisely why I love the article below.  God’s church – His beloved bride! – is meant to be raw, honest, confronting and confrontable (in love).  We need each other to be honest so we can grow.  We need a place we can let our guards down.  Church hasn’t been that place for me, yet.  But biblical church does not mean playing the Christian part, speaking Christianese and announcing “I’m too blessed to be stressed!” when your world’s crashing down.  It’s being the part — doing it together — and sharing when life is just plain hard. 

It’s been said that Joy shared is doubled, and grief shared is halved.  This is why everyone needs community, even the ‘independents’ among us.

So thank you to people who don’t sugar-coat life, who confess their faults and let me know mine :) because how else can we grow if we’re not challenged?  How else can we stand in tough times, like what our country’s facing, than together?  I believe the answer is we can’t. 

We need true church!  So let’s recreate it, starting with us… but if you enjoy a superficial, comfortable world, I wouldn’t apply: http://charismamag.com/index.php/fire-in-my-bones/30788-koinoniaa-missing-ingredient-in-todays-church

P.S. Enjoy these young men’s Focus Institute testimonies.  I, too, shared their sentiment, and 5+ years later some of my great Focus friendships endure!  http://focusyourstory.com/?p=1884, http://dustenharward.com/blog/?p=133, and http://dustenharward.com/blog/?p=97.

Be Here Now

This song perfectly suits the moment.  In the midst of ‘never-ending’ unemployment and other lengthy struggles, my heart’s heavy.   I need this. 

BE HERE NOW ~ Ray LaMontagne

Don’t let your mind get weary and confused
Your will be still, don’t try
Don’t let your heart get heavy child
Inside you there’s a strength that lies

Don’t let your soul get lonely child
It’s only time, it will go by
Don’t look for love in faces, places
It’s in you, that’s where you’ll find kindness

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

Don’t lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don’t put your trust in walls
‘Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

Be here now, here now
Be here now, here now

It’s the Climb…

Miley Cyrus

As we watched American Idol recently, young Miley Cyrus came on. I was excited to hear her perform, finally, due to all the hype.  Such a super cute girl… yet I wasn’t expecting to hear such a mature, beautiful voice come out of her tiny frame!  

As she belted out the song, her words blew my mind.  Such depth!  Here I’d been thinking young Miley hadn’t experienced much of life yet, especially real-life struggles, yet she sang of the same heartache and struggles I’ve been facing. 

To say she described where I’m at in life now is an understatement. My life is in limbo – caught between the death of one dream and the birth of another – yet as time passes, my new dream seems further out of reach.  It’s become a mockery, echoing in my head and vocalized by the people I love most. 

Hearing Miley share similar struggles, I realized we’re all desperately craving something to cling to, something that remains.  We are longing for HOPE, a word that makes my heart leap.  Many scramble to find it, yet our outward focus fails to provide something to rely on.  We’ve become aware that all we’ve worked for our whole lives could crumble overnight with the dollar’s declining value, our stock market’s volatility, or threats of terrorism and nuclear war.   These aren’t small potatoes!  This world gives no assurance that next year will spell peace for our hearts any more than this year has.  So what is the solution?

This young girl’s words pricked my heart.  I hope they bless you and point you to the Hope that doesn’t disappoint!

“THE CLIMB” Miley Cyrus

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin
You’ll never reach it
Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
But I – I got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most
Just got to keep going
And I – I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on ’cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith