The Best Revenge

“It ain’t heavy if you don’t pick it up.”

It sneaks up on you.  Fine one day, you find yourself changed a short time later.

You may have heard the story of how to boil a frog: Put him in cool water and slowly heat it up.  By the time the little guy’s aware how hot the water’s become, he’s halfway-cooked.  Works every time.

Bitterness is like that.  A friend, spouse, coworker, family member, even stranger hurts you.  You get angry (rightfully so)–but don’t release it.  So it hangs on.

Hebrews calls it a “bitter root”, and if it isn’t uprooted it blooms into a full-blown tree bearing poisonous fruit.  And what else does Heebs say bitter roots do?  They defile many.

We’ve all been the unfortunate recipient of a bitter person:

• The family member who always explodes over (minor) issues
• That man at work who brings his trademark derogatory attitude and snide comments with him each day (yay!)
• The pastor who vents from the pulpit and becomes hardened, ungracious, even judgmental (not in my experience, by the way)
• The bitter ex-boyfriend/girlfriend who just can’t move on/get over “what they did to me”

Maybe we’ve played some of these roles ourselves.

Forgiving is tough.  People say or do things that affect us for years, decades even.

• Reckless spending, debt and poor financial choices (someone with access to our money)
• Infidelity
• Fraud
• Abuse or neglect
• Harsh, hateful words
• Name-calling/stereotyping
• Driving under the influence
• Slander/gossip that colors people’s opinions of us
• Alcoholism

This list is endless.

The greater the hurt from someone’s actions, the more tempting it is to hang onto and the harder it is to release.

As many lives are spoiled by bitterness and a lack of forgiveness as by almost anything in the world. People go through physical and emotional breakdowns because they refuse to forgive others. The longer we carry a grudge, the heavier it becomes. We cannot afford to harbor bitterness in our soul….

Forgive and be forgiven. And then forget it. This is the secret of spiritual health. Keep short accounts with God and men. Dont lock bitterness and guilt within the closet of your soul. Allow the Holy Spirit to shine His divine spotlight in your heart. Let Him clean out every closet in your soul. Then claim Gods wonderful promise, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

-Evangelist Luis Palau (emphases mine) :)

Is such a burden worth hanging onto?  It only grows larger and heavier with time.  You risk losing your heart, your love for others, your joy and happiness, your peace, and healthy relationships (because you’re suddenly suspicious, thinking they’ll do the same thing to you that so-and-so did).  I know because it’s happened to me.

After years of carrying a burden of bitterness, I had this epiphany: Forgiveness is the best revenge.

Isn’t that what we want when we stay bitter–for them to suffer for what they did?  We want to “get back at them”, for someone to pay for their poor choices.  We instinctively understand that whole eye for an eye aspect of justice.  In OT times, a lamb lost its life.  Nowadays, we know Jesus paid.  And if someone refuses to accept His sacrifice to cover the sins they’ve inflicted on others, well then God said one day He’ll judge them.  “‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”  And that day may come for them sooner than later–even on this earth.

So if we know justice will be served and then leave it in God’s hands, let’s do ourselves and everyone around us a favor and let it go.  All of it.

We’ll free ourselves from the burden of repaying that person back.  We’ll leave room for God’s wrath (way better than ours anyway!).  And we’ll free ourselves to live without their influence guiding our choices anymore.

Yes, they hurt us.  But do we want to allow it to continue hurting us?  No way.

Forgiveness is truly the best revenge.  If this is our response, we’ll win that scenario every time.

Take the advice of one of our country’s most influential leaders to ever walk American soil–a man who overcame incredible hatred during his lifetime, lost his very life to hate and had every reason to return the favor:

“I’ve decided to stick with love.  Hate is too great a burden to bear.”  -Martin Luther King Jr.

Communication: To HEAL or HURT?

Here’s a question to ask ourselves:

Is my communication helping or hurting this situation?

Is what I’m about to say/write able to bring people up or down?

No, seriously.  Ask yourself this whenever you’re tempted to write a volatile email or spread juicy gossip.  I know it’s juicy.  I know it’s like that itch you MUST scratch.  Put another way:

If they were here, would I say this – the same way? 

Maybe you would.  Maybe you – can I be direct? – struggle with being a jerk.  Then there are others, the less aggressive, who find it hard to confront people directly.  So we go to others when we’re hurt, seeking sympathy, but instead build walls and tear down other people’s relationships.  All to alleviate our own desire for revenge. 

Lately I’ve witnessed the major destruction such words bring to relationships, people slandering each other.  This is the worst kind of insult: Behind your back, when you are defenseless.  As believers in Christ, we need to be mindful of  the incredible power of our words.  Are you building people up or tearing them down?

Jesus has a word for us in this department.  A lot of words.  Hang onto your britches! 

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’  -Matt 18:15-16

Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  Up to seven times?’  Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’  -Matt. 18:21-22

If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.  -Matt 5:23-24

Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.  -Matt. 7:1-2

And Solomon:

Hatred stires up strife, but love covers all sins.  -Prov. 10:12

These wise words teach us this:

1. First forgive.  I know it’s hard.  We’ve all been backstabbed, betrayed, used, abused.  But your quality of life hinges on your forgiveness (or lack of).  If you want a joyful life, you must forgive; there’s no other option.  Take it from one who learned the hard way: Grudges only destroy you and your relationships.  If you’re upset with someone, forgive them before approaching them about the issue.
2. If someone’s hurt you, GO TO THEM.  Don’t tell your boyfriend, sister/ aunt/ mother, or cubemate.  Let that person know they hurt  you and give them opportunity to explain, apologize or make amends.  Has someone ever done this for you?  What a relief that they approached you instead of telling half the town or posting angry Facebook statuses!  On the flipside, have you ever had someone do the opposite: tell your entire circle but you that you’ve offended them?  I have.  The result?  Division, misplaced anger, mega damage control.  People, let’s handle conflict responsibly, like adults.  Put your big girl panties on and deal with it head-on. 
3. If someone else is upset with you, go to them.  Do not delay!  Waiting simply gives our enemy time to weave division, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and gossip/ slander.  God makes it clear He’d rather we reconcile with others than receive our gifts.  Reconciliation first; giving second. 
4. QUIT JUDGING.  You are not your neighbor’s judge – GOD IS.  If you simply must get something off your chest about someone else, aim it at God.  He knows what you’re thinking already, and He’ll likely give you a new perspective.  For me He’s made me aware of my own failures (which He’s forgiven me of constantly) or opened my eyes to their viewpoint, the motivation behind their behavior, and His compassion for them.  Pray to Him - ask Him to help that person grow in the area of their failure.  Ask for His grace to let it go whenever they mess up.  Search scripture for similar incidences.  It is replete with wisdom on how to treat other people, none involving your vengeance!   You will be BLESSED by following this advice!!

If you have a grievance with someone, go to them today.  Refuse to talk behind their back.  People are more reasonable when you open the door for them to share their feelings and perspective with you.  You may gain valuable insight into their heart/ behavior.  If they’re unreasonable, take someone else with you.  If that doesn’t work, brush it off and move forward; you tried your best. 

This works anywhere: Home …. the Workplace …. Church …. Small groups …. Friends.  Quit adding fuel to the fire and backbiting/ gossiping.  Stop attacking and finger-pointing.  Be humble enough to admit your mistakes and give others grace to do the same.  If we’d follow this, it would stop untold amounts of drama in our lives! 

One last benefit:

A gracious woman attains honor  -Prov 11:16

Yes, forgiveness brings you honor!  I’m reminded of Taylor Swift’s gracious response to Kanye at last year’s VMAs.  Hats off to her for controlling herself when many would have reacted less kindly. 

As the Apostle Paul would say, Grace and peace to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And as I would say - Much love.  Go spread it around :)
XOXOX Summer

Wagging Tongues

This issue is so on my heart today.  I hope my words spark change.

We all need to be listened to at times.  It is such a part of the human experience: to connect, really connect with other humans who are going through life.  Without this we shrivel up inside.  No man is an island indeed!  Every person needs to know they are safe to express themselves and loved as they are, quirky though they may be, especially in the Body of believers as our world and enemy try to daily tear us down. 

Sadly, I know a godly lady that has recently become the focus of much criticism in our circle.  It seems many believers are quick to judge fellow brothers and sisters for petty differences, from the way they talk to their heart’s motives, and then speak out against them, slandering members of their (and our) own Body!  I think many in the Body of Christ are deeply wounded by this very thing.  Where we should embrace each other’s differences, we fiercely attack them instead and reap division. 

I want people in the Body to be set free to be who God created them to be – not bound up by fear of attacks from other believers!  I’ve heard people say that their fiercest opposition and harshest critics often came from the brethren (in the church, not in their family).  Wow.  This should not be so! 

Beloved, we should be safest in the church.  Our hearts should be free to express themselves and our gifts flowing freely so we bring about God’s will wherever we go.  We should be one other’s greatest supporters, inviting others to liberty, not shame.  No stone-throwing.  Since when have wagging tongues become the norm within the Body?  How will outsiders “know us by our love” if we bite and devour one another?  Where is the Love among us that is the world’s hope? 

Jesus speaks some powerful words about judgment in Matthew 7:

Do not judge so that you will not be judged.  For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.  Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?  Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye?  You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

And Jesus’s brother James says this about the tongue:

Every species of beasts and birds, of reptiles and creatures of the sea, is tamed and has been tamed by the human race.  But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison.  With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing.  My brethren, these things ought not to be this way.

And |sidebar| this I just found funny:

Instead, let our words be full of grace and truth!  May we encourage unity, that we may receive the blessing of Psalm 133:

Behold, how good and how pleasant it is
         For brothers to dwell together in unity! 
    It is like the precious oil upon the head,
         Coming down upon the beard,
         Even Aaron’s beard,
         Coming down upon the edge of his robes. 
    It is like the dew of Hermon
         Coming down upon the mountains of Zion;
         For there the LORD commanded the blessing–life forever.