Sex by Design

I had this crazy epiphany yesterday, a radical paradigm shift in my thinking!  But to make sense of it, I should start at square one.

The environment and culture I grew up in echoed a recurring message to me: Sex is bad.    

As a result, I not only learned that there is something inherently wrong with sex but also – as an extension – with anyone who desired it.

Recognizing that I and the people around me have such desires, I connected the dots: Our desires for sex must be evil and we ourselves must be bad for wanting something so evil.

And this is what I grew up believing, even after sex became part of my daily life in marriage.

But yesterday something changed.  I had a sudden realization sweep over me.

Our sexual desires aren’t some perverse, lust-driven motivation we have.  Yesterday I understood with perfect clarity that our desire for sex is wrapped up in a deep human longing to be loved, to love, and to be intimately close to someone else.  

It dawned on me that sexuality demonstrates our heart’s need to connect with someone fully, to share our beds, our bodies, and our whole hearts with them.  And that is a very wonderful thing!

It seemed so simple – this new way of thinking – that I wondered how sex could get such a bad rap in my mind this whole time.

In my upbringing, I came to believe that sex was a four-letter word.  Any desires I had to participate in it were guilty by association and made me feel shameful.  The mere acknowledgment of another person’s desires had me directing shame their way, too.

I know, sad.  How could I have missed it for so long, this beautiful creation we’ve painted black?

Sex is not some animalistic impulse.  It isn’t a natural urge we must satisfy, like eating or sleeping.  And it isn’t a mere quelling of hormones ’til the next time they surface.  These pictures make sex so small, so mind-numbingly petty… wouldn’t you agree?

It may be that way for the primates and porpoises among us.  But for human beings, God made us beautifully different!  And He’s made that clear.

He made us His own and created us just like Him - in His image!  And what is God’s driving force throughout all of Scripture?!?

CONNECTION.  

RELATIONSHIP.  

With us!  And between us!  

Relationship is the very reason Jesus came to earth: to reconnect us with our Father after our sin broke the relationship beyond human repair.  Relationship is His very heartbeat.

And because we’re made like Him, is it any wonder we’re seeking these same things on earth: Deep connection and unmasked intimacy?

The very things our healthy sexuality delivers.

Sex connects us with another and with the Divine.  It’s been equated with heaven on earth, and this is no mistake.  When we get a taste of intimacy, it shows us how deeply we’re capable of connecting with someone else and how deeply we can be known… and boy is that aweeeee-some!

Sex doesn’t simply connect two body parts.  It connects all of who you are with all of who they are, and joins two eternal souls together.  That is magnificent!

And that is precisely why some expressions of sexuality cannot be God’s design… because they connect us with no other or connect us for only a season!  We’ve misused sex as some sort of recreational vehicle, meant to satisfy a physical urge while neglecting the spiritual and emotional bonds formed during the real thing.

Sex is not lust.  Sex is neutral.  It’s what we clothe ourselves in when we partake in it that makes it ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

When we approach someone to become intimate with them, are we motivated by true love for the other, the God-given desire to find connection outside of ourselves with that person?  Or are we driven to merely make our bodies feel good, to feel wanted by another, and to feel powerful – to take from them to feed our own hunger?

One type of sex connects and brings together.  The other consumes and tears apart.  They may feel the same, but they are worlds apart.  It’s no wonder sex has been misinterpreted so much.

If sex is a gun, then are our hands wielding it to protect and love someone or to steal and take what isn’t rightfully ours?

Sex is God’s idea, not a shameful one but His creative way to connect us in the ultimate form of intimacy… and a beautiful way to experience heaven on earth.

Lay it All Down

Music has a way of expressing how we feel… stealing words right outta our hearts, better said than we ever could.  Sometimes they pinpoint how we’ve been feeling or what we’ve been struggling with for so long, something we couldn’t put our own finger on.

This is such a song.

Nightminds
Missy Higgins

Just lay it all down
Put your face into my neck and let it fall out
I know, I know, I know
I knew before you got home

This world you’re in now
It doesn’t have to be alone
I’ll get there somehow, ’cause
I know, I know, I know
When even springtime feels cold

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark
And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds, and into the light
At the end of the fight

You were blessed by
A different kind of inner view
It’s all magnified
The highs would make you fly
But the lows make you want to die

And I was once there
Hanging from that very ledge where you are standing
So I know, I know, I know
It’s easier to let go

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark
And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

After a time in my life when most of my relationships have been tested and tried, I’ve found myself meditating on what true loyalty means.  What it looks like in relationships.  If it’s possible, even in me.

This song just touched my heart, so I had to share.  It describes the true-blue loyal friend we’re all seeking: one who sees your struggles, sticks by your side through it and shares the dark with you… then helps you walk together toward new light.  New hope and peace.  A new perspective.

God, to be such a friend and to have one!

Tribute to My Best Friend

My husband's surprise meal awaiting me after night class!

Through the years we’ve all (likely) gotten on and off various treadmills in our lives.

These treadmills are when we try to earn somebody’s love, attention, respect and admiration.  I think we’ve all done it–even when we were unaware that’s what we were seeking.  The driven executive.  The perpetually-busy housewife.  The promiscuous teen/young adult (or older).  The tough guy.  The trendsetter.

Of course there are literal treadmills–”Run run run, fast as you can…”  I’ve easily (and sadly) spent half my life chasing this dream.  Let’s just say I’m not succeeding.

Then there are other kinds of treadmills we gauge our success by.  I tried one (laughable) one: Best cook!  That was a briefer stint.  Short story?  Fail (but a happy one, as any well-fed cook can attest)  :)

At some point I set my sights on being “Most popular” with the boys.  This I succeeded at quite well, til one day I realized they weren’t always seeking my best interest.  So I ran away.  And built walls, lots of walls.  John Eldredge calls this the “tower” every knight must rescue his princess from, claiming that every lady’s built one [slightly cheesy, but no less true].  Mine was a fortress!

My husband is the only one who persistently broke down my defenses–in just a shade under four years.  [I'd label this endeavor of mine a successful fail: I got a fabulous hubby outta the deal, but completely apart from my efforts].

One of my favorite thoughts about my husband is that he met me at my worst.  I love it.  I was my most homely (which makes me smile :), my most bare-faced, anti-social, uncharming, and in my mind unloveliest.

Enter future hubby.

Somehow God veiled his eyes (?) and he became captivated by me–I mean really captivated.  He saw the quirks in my behavior yet pursued me anyway (example: our first full-fledged encounter consisted of him hanging out with me as I tackled Sudoku–for 45 minutes–in near silence.  Yes really).

He asked me out that night.

No part of where I was at back then captured me at my best.  No part.  I was unemployed for crying out loud and living with my parents.  I mean, does that scream “MARRY ME” or what?

Yet three-and-a-half years later, that’s precisely what he did.  Just a short block from the home we Sudoku-ed in “together”.

And in that very same place–my parents’ beautiful home–we celebrated our engagement, and two months later, our marriage.

Wow.

Last night I dreamt about my husband.  He was personified as a brother, someone who was always around, helping, being considerate, positive and generally awesome (per usual, if you know him!  And maybe not-so-usual for the average brother), but someone firmly in the “Just Friends” box.

Or so I thought.

At some point in my dream, he emerged from the Friend Zone and became the man who captured my attention and won my heart.  It was an amazing dream, paralleling what happened with us in real life and highlighting all his strengths and fantastic qualities–ones I greatly esteem and admire.

I woke up reinvigorated with love for my husband, who I said “I do” to just 9 1/2 short months ago: New Years Day 2011 (that’s 1.1.11 for you sentimental ones).

We didn’t even plan the timing.  But part of me thinks God did.

Another part of me thinks God knew what He was doing when He sent Brian to me when I stood on the lowest rung of the ladder of success.  A girl who based her worth on her “ability to perform” meets the man of her dreams at the apex of her failure.

Coincidence?  I’m beginning to think not.  One day I had this epiphany that reaching rock bottom meant ”It can only go up from here” with him.  That was a beautiful and freeing place to be.

God bless him.  Really!  God, please bless him, for nights like tonight…

I was struggling.  So my husband checked outta work early, drove home (while on the phone with Negative Nancy herself), and rushed to my aid.  He came in our room, where I was lying on our bed, and just hugged me.  Enveloped me.  Loved me when I was so incredibly down and feeling broken.

God, You knew what I needed… back then in 2007 when we ‘met’ at my parents’ home… and today in his parents’ home, the one we all share, when he said I’m beautiful and loved me at my worst.

How could that be?

On days like today when I think God can’t possibly love and accept me in light of my failures, weaknesses and bad (okay, terrible) attitudes, I see my husband’s love and accept the growing realization that God must love me, too.  Because how else could I deserve to be blessed with such a man in my life?  What did I do to earn his love?

I’m so grateful I’ll never know… because someone as incredible as my husband loves me at my worst, and one day (I oh-so-hope) he can love me at my best.

Thanks God for such a gift–a man who is loving me back to life.

Settle It Today

A most excellent post–one of the best I’ve read in a long time (author Regi Campbell).

I want to implement this principle in my life: Always settle it today.  I hope you will, too.

xoxoxox,
Summer

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What’s Down In The Well

October 10, 2011 in blog with 0 Comments

What’s down in the well comes up in the bucket.

One of my young executives taught me a principle years ago that I’ve never forgotten. It was cathartic for me as a leader….and as a husband.

He said, “When something one of your employees does bothers you, confront them with it before that day ends. No matter how petty…how trivial…how embarrassing, confront it.”  Don’t go home; don’t let them go home without talking it out.

For years, I harbored grudges against my wife. “She’s not this”, “She’s not that” I’d complain to my friends (and anyone who would listen). Ultimately, my deceptive little heart used these judgements to pull away from her. I became even more critical…..more caustic. I used her “failings” to justify all kinds of failings on my end. It ended in disaster, with her leaving me and my life in shambles.

What would have happened if I had dealt with all that stuff? What if I had gone to an older, wiser friend and told him about my feelings and my judgements of her? What if I’d talked those things out with her IMMEDIATELY after I started feeling them? Who knows.

The reality is that it took her leaving to wake me up to the junk I had hidden down in my “well”. I couldn’t suppress it forever. It was going to come out; if not in the “bucket” of my words, in the “bucket” of my behavior. Like a splinter buried deep in the sole of your foot, it’s gotta’ come out or it’s gonna’ lead to real problems.

God created us for relationships. With Him, His son, His spirit and with other people. He taught us to keep short accounts…like “before dark” short. When we “man up” and deal with what’s lodged in our hearts, we’ll be healthier, “lighter”,  and more lovable.

It’s a discipline worth committing to.

Today.

I have to bring it up today.

I have to settle it today.

I have to talk it through today.

Don’t let yourself off the hook any more.

Deal with it now.

“Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”  Proverbs 4:23

P.S. My  wife came back and we started over. Married 42 years now, the 28 since she left and came back have been extraordinary, thanks to the grace of Jesus Christ and Miriam Campbell. 

*Read the original post here: http://radicalmentoring.com/2011/10/whats-down-in-the-well/.

The Best Revenge

“It ain’t heavy if you don’t pick it up.”

It sneaks up on you.  Fine one day, you find yourself changed a short time later.

You may have heard the story of how to boil a frog: Put him in cool water and slowly heat it up.  By the time the little guy’s aware how hot the water’s become, he’s halfway-cooked.  Works every time.

Bitterness is like that.  A friend, spouse, coworker, family member, even stranger hurts you.  You get angry (rightfully so)–but don’t release it.  So it hangs on.

Hebrews calls it a “bitter root”, and if it isn’t uprooted it blooms into a full-blown tree bearing poisonous fruit.  And what else does Heebs say bitter roots do?  They defile many.

We’ve all been the unfortunate recipient of a bitter person:

• The family member who always explodes over (minor) issues
• That man at work who brings his trademark derogatory attitude and snide comments with him each day (yay!)
• The pastor who vents from the pulpit and becomes hardened, ungracious, even judgmental (not in my experience, by the way)
• The bitter ex-boyfriend/girlfriend who just can’t move on/get over “what they did to me”

Maybe we’ve played some of these roles ourselves.

Forgiving is tough.  People say or do things that affect us for years, decades even.

• Reckless spending, debt and poor financial choices (someone with access to our money)
• Infidelity
• Fraud
• Abuse or neglect
• Harsh, hateful words
• Name-calling/stereotyping
• Driving under the influence
• Slander/gossip that colors people’s opinions of us
• Alcoholism

This list is endless.

The greater the hurt from someone’s actions, the more tempting it is to hang onto and the harder it is to release.

As many lives are spoiled by bitterness and a lack of forgiveness as by almost anything in the world. People go through physical and emotional breakdowns because they refuse to forgive others. The longer we carry a grudge, the heavier it becomes. We cannot afford to harbor bitterness in our soul….

Forgive and be forgiven. And then forget it. This is the secret of spiritual health. Keep short accounts with God and men. Dont lock bitterness and guilt within the closet of your soul. Allow the Holy Spirit to shine His divine spotlight in your heart. Let Him clean out every closet in your soul. Then claim Gods wonderful promise, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

-Evangelist Luis Palau (emphases mine) :)

Is such a burden worth hanging onto?  It only grows larger and heavier with time.  You risk losing your heart, your love for others, your joy and happiness, your peace, and healthy relationships (because you’re suddenly suspicious, thinking they’ll do the same thing to you that so-and-so did).  I know because it’s happened to me.

After years of carrying a burden of bitterness, I had this epiphany: Forgiveness is the best revenge.

Isn’t that what we want when we stay bitter–for them to suffer for what they did?  We want to “get back at them”, for someone to pay for their poor choices.  We instinctively understand that whole eye for an eye aspect of justice.  In OT times, a lamb lost its life.  Nowadays, we know Jesus paid.  And if someone refuses to accept His sacrifice to cover the sins they’ve inflicted on others, well then God said one day He’ll judge them.  “‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”  And that day may come for them sooner than later–even on this earth.

So if we know justice will be served and then leave it in God’s hands, let’s do ourselves and everyone around us a favor and let it go.  All of it.

We’ll free ourselves from the burden of repaying that person back.  We’ll leave room for God’s wrath (way better than ours anyway!).  And we’ll free ourselves to live without their influence guiding our choices anymore.

Yes, they hurt us.  But do we want to allow it to continue hurting us?  No way.

Forgiveness is truly the best revenge.  If this is our response, we’ll win that scenario every time.

Take the advice of one of our country’s most influential leaders to ever walk American soil–a man who overcame incredible hatred during his lifetime, lost his very life to hate and had every reason to return the favor:

“I’ve decided to stick with love.  Hate is too great a burden to bear.”  -Martin Luther King Jr.

Leading to Love or Be Loved?

“If you wanna lead the orchestra, you gotta turn your back to the crowd.”

I’m a big fan of Pete Wilson.

He pastors Cross Point Church in Nashville.  He wrote a great post Friday titled “My Biggest Mistake in Ministry”.  O Lord is this ever one I need to keep in perspective!  Mind you, I’m no senior-pastor-of-a-megachurch (nor do I have such aspirations)… but I do believe God has given me a heart to help and serve people, build relationships and encourage community wherever He places me.

I want to remember his words.  I bet you will, too.

Leading with a desire to be loved is dangerous.  Parenting with a desire to be loved can be destructive.  And if you spend your life trying to be loved instead of being loving,it’s going  to lead you to all kinds of unhealthy extremes.

Part of learning humility for me is to understand I simply can’t  please everyone.  Not everyone is going to like me, love me, or think I’m great.  They’re just not.

I feel like I’m growing in this area.  I’m learning the freedom that comes along with seeking to love, instead of always desiring to be loved.  The first leads to meaning and significance while the latter is an emotional black hole that can never be filled.

I pray you will learn to live in the Kingdom and be freed from the  sheer stupidity and vanity of going through life trying to make sure other people think the right things about you.  If you depend on other people loving everything you say or do, you will end up doing and saying nothing.  I pray you’ll receive the  fact that you are loved in the eyes of God in such a way that you can then go out to lead and live, seeking to truly love the people around you.

Wow, can I relate.  Can you?

My struggle with wanting people’s approval came in utero!  I love people. I’ve always gravitated towards them and certainly basked in their good graces.

Five years ago, God shone a spotlight on me in this area.  He revealed that people were my idol.  Ouch!  But I sheepishly agreed.

He didn’t stop there.  He prepared me, whispering to my heart: This is gonna be a season with just you and Me.  And then months later He spoke the following: You’re about to go through something very painful. 

Uh oh.  God had never spoken that to my heart before.

He knows I’m wired to put people first, even above my needs (not as holy as it sounds haha), and He knew I didn’t have the strength to dethrone the place people occupied in my heart.  His place.

So He did it for me.

Systematically, He removed person after person from my life.  Within a span of months, 7 or 8 girl friends stopped talking to me for no apparent reason.  Individually.

Okay, no big deal.  There are always guys right?

Yeah, no.  I had guy friends, but they don’t get us like ladies do (this is good).  Add to that family misunderstandings, and you have a people-pleaser’s full-blown identity crisis!

That season in my life hurt, a ton.  I tried connecting with new people, but for the first time it didn’t work!  Small groups fell flat.  Revisiting old places with old friends proved short and bittersweet.  Relationships were suddenly hit-or-miss.  It was the strangest experience.  It was like I was wearing an invisible cloak — like Hosea’s wife when God hemmed her in with thorns so she had no other choice but to seek Him (a beautiful story–take a moment to read!).

God “hemmed me in” by allowing crises in every area of my life.  Yes, aloneness was a major crisis, but the series of events that followed magnified my aloneness.  Being alone can be stressful.  Being alone while going through the ringer is another story.  I wonder if anyone reading this can relate.

It started with shin splints–that hung on over 2 years.  An avid runner, exercise was my release, the way I dealt with stress/anxiety, the pressure of ‘not measuring up’, and persistent body image issues (essentially everything our culture says a woman can ‘hang her hat on’).  Without this to lean on, my confidence crumbled overnight (some crutch huh?).

Then the pressure to perform my job became over-the-top.  I so wanted to prove my “fresh outta college” self.  About this same time I started having ‘night terrors’ that lasted a few years, allowing just 2-3 hours of precious sleep and PANIC the rest of the night, while having to perform at work the next day.

This set me up for burnout.  My health deteriorated, ushering in extreme fatigue, minimal energy to accomplish my daily work, and little emotional/mental capacity to handle life’s stresses.  Dating disappointments and a few heartaches were no help.

My Type-A, people-pleasing self was in overdrive… but I could no longer perform.  In my eyes (and theirs), I became a failure.

I lived with family then, another personal failure to me (at the time) because I wasn’t “making it on my own”.  Financial obligations forced me to live there and deal with family challenges.  Issues I’d never noticed came tumbling out of my family’s closet, issues I had to deal with.  I tried so hard to connect with my family, but they didn’t ‘get’ me (I didn’t ‘get’ me!).  This last crisis took a tremendous toll on me.  I felt utterly alone and misunderstood.

In short, I went through the refiner’s fire.  It was good for me, I see now, but at the time it felt like all hell broke loose in my life.

So I dove into Him.  I began reading Scripture every day (following a friend’s example!), and attending home churches and worship meetings zealously.  I was desperate for hope and God’s nearness.

When you don’t have people’s approval for years in a row, you learn to lean on something else.  I’m very thankful God helped me choose Him.  He’d been on the backburner (or not even in the kitchen!) for most of my life.  It was time.

That season taught me big lessons.  It took a five-year period of time for God to remove people as my focus and for me to give Him rightful place in my heart!  I am thankful I walked that journey with God and realized He is my sufficiency and all I need.  I’m so glad He showed me how fickle people and their affections can be and that they make a crappy leg to stand on.

Cursed is the one who trusts in man,
who depends on flesh for his strength
and whose heart turns away from the LORD.
He will be like a bush in the wastelands;
he will not see prosperity when it comes.
He will dwell in the parched places of the desert,
in a salt land where no one lives.

But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD,
whose confidence is in Him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water
that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes;
its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought
and never fails to bear fruit.

-Jeremiah 17

He wanted me to learn that people can never fill me, that I can’t live for them.  I can live to love others, but not at the expense of my love for my Father.   People will never sustain me–no–and I can never truly love them when I’m seeking a handout from them: their approval.

Now He’s bringing loving people back into my life, and I’m appreciating them in a new way: devoid of my need to be significant in their eyes, and instead replaced with a pure need for godly fellowship.  Without losing myself.  Without co-dependent, unhealthy, enmeshed relationships.

I’m free to be healthy and whole, and to bring God’s love with me.  I am free to help people in ways they need most–because I don’t need to be liked by them anymore.

Have I conquered this battle?  I’ve learned it’s unwise to say “I’ll never…”.  Instead, I can say with confidence that I’ve learned a valuable lesson, one I’ll take with me into each new season.  Lives will be richer because I’ve learned this lesson now.  As God calls me into leadership, He continues to check my motives and ask Are you leading to love?  Or be loved? 

Should I stumble in this area, I believe the fall won’t be nearly as painful than had I never learned to live with only God’s approval!

Have you struggled with pleasing people instead of God?  How have you overcome it?

Marriage, Generosity & ‘Nag’ Reflexes

This morning I stumbled upon great marital advice.  Excellent even… which means I wanna share with you.

Single?  Odds are 9 out of 10 of you will experience marriage in your lifetime.  So don’t roll your eyes.  Keep reading!

As for the picture, comic relief!  Being a wife means doing things you may not always love – including boy-dirtied bathrooms.  But when done with love for your hubs, you create a welcoming haven for him to come home to.  I don’t strive for perfection but seek ways to bless Brian with an organized house.  I know, call me Ma Ingalls…. but I’ve learned that a home in order is one of the best stress-relieving gifts ever!  And that’s just what he needs.

The following brief article on “Encouraging VS Nagging” is hilarious.  Please enjoy – and repost if you find it useful.  This advice has widespread application for many relationships but is especially effective in marriage (taken from http://encourageyourspouse.com/2011/07/encouraging-nagging/):

ENCOURAGING?  NAGGING? 

Are you encouraging?  Or are you nagging?

Both activities are focused toward your spouse.  Obviously, one is positive and one is negative – but what’s the real difference between the two?

Encouragement focuses on the needs and feelings of your spouse.  It’s about their strengths and their gifts.  It’s about your spouse’s concerns.  Encouragement happens when it’s the best time for your spouse to receive it.  It happens after you’ve listened and asked questions.    Encouragement – it’s all about your spouse.

Nagging focuses on the things you think your spouse needs.  Nagging identifies what you think your spouse should be feeling.  It’s about what you think is missing, what ‘should be’ and what you’re worried about.  Nagging happens when you want it to happen.   It’s your thoughts and ideas without any input from your spouse.   Nagging – it’s all about you.

Hate to break-it-to-ya …  encouragement is not about you!

Just sayin’.  : )

LOVE IT.  Must remember.

And secondly, “The Generous Wife” shares ways to bless your husband daily.  So awesome.  You can bless anyone with these ideas, and they’re fun, creative (and yes, sexy!).

While I may not recommend being sexy to anyone but your hub, you get the point.  This woman is awesome.  What a great vision for your marriage – that whole “Ask not what my hubby can do for me.  Ask what I can do for my hubby” thing (or something like that hehe).

May we all be generous wives!  And may we be as excited to love our men as the lady above : )

In case you Gentlemen thought you were off the hook – here are AWESOME tips that should keep you busy: “100 Ideas on Loving Your Wife”.  Try a new one every day, or weekly if that’s your speed.  I’m pretty positive your wife will be delighted!

As my husband says, Find ways to out-love and out-serve each other.  I’d call that a blissful marriage, and above all a wonderful testament to God in your lives.  Our love for our spouse should demonstrate to others God’s love for us: unconditional.

xoxox Summer

“Koinonia”: A Taste of True Community

Once upon a time, I attended the Focus on the Family Institute (now Focus Leadership Institute) in Colorado Springs.  An amazing, life-altering experience, and one of the best decisions I’ve made in my spiritual journey. 

What made it so awesome?

Fellowship!  Up until that point, I walked out my faith largely alone.  Sure I churched, retreated, Bible studied, mission-tripped, worshipped and prayed.  Yay for me!  But those didn’t change me the way people did.  Until FFI, I was living day-to-day by myself. 

The Focus Institute’s focus on community turned my world upside-down.  Suddenly I was surrounded by believers who lived their faith and passionately loved the Lord!  I felt safe, valued for who and how I am, and respected, and everyone around me was too.  It was amazing.  The men stepped up and treated us ladies with love and service – the way God designed women to be treated – instead of pursuing us for worldly reasons.  It was a slice of heaven. 

Weekly we came together for “Koinonia” – fellowship, worship, food and just QT.  I adored it!!  People were honest about where they were at.  Broken from their pasts.  In such intimacy, facades couldn’t survive, and it rocked! 

Since leaving Focus, I’ve hunted for a community of believers that compares.  I’ve struggled to find others (especially my age) willing to live their lives openly.  After several years of searching, I found myself retreating to old ways of doing relationships and feeling vulnerable at how vulnerable I became after Focus.  Being fake and “having it all together” became the norm again.  There seemed no other option. 

This is precisely why I love the article below.  God’s church – His beloved bride! – is meant to be raw, honest, confronting and confrontable (in love).  We need each other to be honest so we can grow.  We need a place we can let our guards down.  Church hasn’t been that place for me, yet.  But biblical church does not mean playing the Christian part, speaking Christianese and announcing “I’m too blessed to be stressed!” when your world’s crashing down.  It’s being the part — doing it together — and sharing when life is just plain hard. 

It’s been said that Joy shared is doubled, and grief shared is halved.  This is why everyone needs community, even the ‘independents’ among us.

So thank you to people who don’t sugar-coat life, who confess their faults and let me know mine :) because how else can we grow if we’re not challenged?  How else can we stand in tough times, like what our country’s facing, than together?  I believe the answer is we can’t. 

We need true church!  So let’s recreate it, starting with us… but if you enjoy a superficial, comfortable world, I wouldn’t apply: http://charismamag.com/index.php/fire-in-my-bones/30788-koinoniaa-missing-ingredient-in-todays-church

P.S. Enjoy these young men’s Focus Institute testimonies.  I, too, shared their sentiment, and 5+ years later some of my great Focus friendships endure!  http://focusyourstory.com/?p=1884, http://dustenharward.com/blog/?p=133, and http://dustenharward.com/blog/?p=97.

The Blessed Life :)

I spoke to those in captivity of all the things the LORD had shown me.  -Ezekiel 11:25

Thursday God gave me this scripture.  Clear as a bell ringing in my heart, I felt Him impressing upon me to share what I’ve been learning in the fire, in my fear, in confusion, and in the newness I’ve experienced this year.  He is certainly doing “a new thing”!  

Today the Lord is speaking more than I can download here.  On a side note, I get reeaaally excited when He speaks.  QT is my love language after all!  I’m like a giddy schoolgirl when He talks to me – eager to share it with the world.  So here goes. 

Below I’ve written principles that invite God’s blessing into our lives and help us experience the blessed life!

First, from my (amazing!) hubby, awesome advice I need to apply to my own life.  I assure you, he lives these principles: 

“Build each other up!  Wake up each day focused on how you can ‘edify’ someone else.  Edify means to enlighten, inform, instruct, educate, improve, and teach.  When you are idle, you tend to focus inwardly, and usually negative…. But we are designed to be externally focused, and we are blessed by blessing others…  

“I want Summer to be proud of me and in every situation, even ones where she’s not in the room.  I want to Honor her with every conversation I have about her… [and] I expect her to do the same… not in return for how I act, but independently of how I act.  Because the moment we start saying well she didn’t compliment [me] enough here, so I’m not going to love on her here… then the relationship falls apart.  But if each of us (independently of each other’s actions) tries to love in the best way we know how (regardless of either of our failures) then we have real love.  We are externally focused, and usually enjoying the heck out of it.” 

Secondly, from one of my fave books The Blessed Life by Robert Morris: 

“Go the extra mile.  Romans 12 tells us, ‘If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men’ (v. 18).  Frankly, I would much rather be cheated by men and blessed by God than to insist on fairness from men but forfeit God’s blessing.  Every time I’ve done the right thing, God has always blessed me.”  Amen!

And lastly, we’re blessed by worshipping him.  Here’s a stunningly beautiful song by Watermark, one of my *Faves*  :)

Happy Tuesday,
Summer

Communication: To HEAL or HURT?

Here’s a question to ask ourselves:

Is my communication helping or hurting this situation?

Is what I’m about to say/write able to bring people up or down?

No, seriously.  Ask yourself this whenever you’re tempted to write a volatile email or spread juicy gossip.  I know it’s juicy.  I know it’s like that itch you MUST scratch.  Put another way:

If they were here, would I say this – the same way? 

Maybe you would.  Maybe you – can I be direct? – struggle with being a jerk.  Then there are others, the less aggressive, who find it hard to confront people directly.  So we go to others when we’re hurt, seeking sympathy, but instead build walls and tear down other people’s relationships.  All to alleviate our own desire for revenge. 

Lately I’ve witnessed the major destruction such words bring to relationships, people slandering each other.  This is the worst kind of insult: Behind your back, when you are defenseless.  As believers in Christ, we need to be mindful of  the incredible power of our words.  Are you building people up or tearing them down?

Jesus has a word for us in this department.  A lot of words.  Hang onto your britches! 

If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.  If he hears you, you have gained your brother.  But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’  -Matt 18:15-16

Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  Up to seven times?’  Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.’  -Matt. 18:21-22

If you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way.  First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.  -Matt 5:23-24

Judge not, that you be not judged.  For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you.  -Matt. 7:1-2

And Solomon:

Hatred stires up strife, but love covers all sins.  -Prov. 10:12

These wise words teach us this:

1. First forgive.  I know it’s hard.  We’ve all been backstabbed, betrayed, used, abused.  But your quality of life hinges on your forgiveness (or lack of).  If you want a joyful life, you must forgive; there’s no other option.  Take it from one who learned the hard way: Grudges only destroy you and your relationships.  If you’re upset with someone, forgive them before approaching them about the issue.
2. If someone’s hurt you, GO TO THEM.  Don’t tell your boyfriend, sister/ aunt/ mother, or cubemate.  Let that person know they hurt  you and give them opportunity to explain, apologize or make amends.  Has someone ever done this for you?  What a relief that they approached you instead of telling half the town or posting angry Facebook statuses!  On the flipside, have you ever had someone do the opposite: tell your entire circle but you that you’ve offended them?  I have.  The result?  Division, misplaced anger, mega damage control.  People, let’s handle conflict responsibly, like adults.  Put your big girl panties on and deal with it head-on. 
3. If someone else is upset with you, go to them.  Do not delay!  Waiting simply gives our enemy time to weave division, hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and gossip/ slander.  God makes it clear He’d rather we reconcile with others than receive our gifts.  Reconciliation first; giving second. 
4. QUIT JUDGING.  You are not your neighbor’s judge – GOD IS.  If you simply must get something off your chest about someone else, aim it at God.  He knows what you’re thinking already, and He’ll likely give you a new perspective.  For me He’s made me aware of my own failures (which He’s forgiven me of constantly) or opened my eyes to their viewpoint, the motivation behind their behavior, and His compassion for them.  Pray to Him - ask Him to help that person grow in the area of their failure.  Ask for His grace to let it go whenever they mess up.  Search scripture for similar incidences.  It is replete with wisdom on how to treat other people, none involving your vengeance!   You will be BLESSED by following this advice!!

If you have a grievance with someone, go to them today.  Refuse to talk behind their back.  People are more reasonable when you open the door for them to share their feelings and perspective with you.  You may gain valuable insight into their heart/ behavior.  If they’re unreasonable, take someone else with you.  If that doesn’t work, brush it off and move forward; you tried your best. 

This works anywhere: Home …. the Workplace …. Church …. Small groups …. Friends.  Quit adding fuel to the fire and backbiting/ gossiping.  Stop attacking and finger-pointing.  Be humble enough to admit your mistakes and give others grace to do the same.  If we’d follow this, it would stop untold amounts of drama in our lives! 

One last benefit:

A gracious woman attains honor  -Prov 11:16

Yes, forgiveness brings you honor!  I’m reminded of Taylor Swift’s gracious response to Kanye at last year’s VMAs.  Hats off to her for controlling herself when many would have reacted less kindly. 

As the Apostle Paul would say, Grace and peace to you in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.

And as I would say - Much love.  Go spread it around :)
XOXOX Summer