The Best Revenge

“It ain’t heavy if you don’t pick it up.”

It sneaks up on you.  Fine one day, you find yourself changed a short time later.

You may have heard the story of how to boil a frog: Put him in cool water and slowly heat it up.  By the time the little guy’s aware how hot the water’s become, he’s halfway-cooked.  Works every time.

Bitterness is like that.  A friend, spouse, coworker, family member, even stranger hurts you.  You get angry (rightfully so)–but don’t release it.  So it hangs on.

Hebrews calls it a “bitter root”, and if it isn’t uprooted it blooms into a full-blown tree bearing poisonous fruit.  And what else does Heebs say bitter roots do?  They defile many.

We’ve all been the unfortunate recipient of a bitter person:

• The family member who always explodes over (minor) issues
• That man at work who brings his trademark derogatory attitude and snide comments with him each day (yay!)
• The pastor who vents from the pulpit and becomes hardened, ungracious, even judgmental (not in my experience, by the way)
• The bitter ex-boyfriend/girlfriend who just can’t move on/get over “what they did to me”

Maybe we’ve played some of these roles ourselves.

Forgiving is tough.  People say or do things that affect us for years, decades even.

• Reckless spending, debt and poor financial choices (someone with access to our money)
• Infidelity
• Fraud
• Abuse or neglect
• Harsh, hateful words
• Name-calling/stereotyping
• Driving under the influence
• Slander/gossip that colors people’s opinions of us
• Alcoholism

This list is endless.

The greater the hurt from someone’s actions, the more tempting it is to hang onto and the harder it is to release.

As many lives are spoiled by bitterness and a lack of forgiveness as by almost anything in the world. People go through physical and emotional breakdowns because they refuse to forgive others. The longer we carry a grudge, the heavier it becomes. We cannot afford to harbor bitterness in our soul….

Forgive and be forgiven. And then forget it. This is the secret of spiritual health. Keep short accounts with God and men. Dont lock bitterness and guilt within the closet of your soul. Allow the Holy Spirit to shine His divine spotlight in your heart. Let Him clean out every closet in your soul. Then claim Gods wonderful promise, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

-Evangelist Luis Palau (emphases mine) :)

Is such a burden worth hanging onto?  It only grows larger and heavier with time.  You risk losing your heart, your love for others, your joy and happiness, your peace, and healthy relationships (because you’re suddenly suspicious, thinking they’ll do the same thing to you that so-and-so did).  I know because it’s happened to me.

After years of carrying a burden of bitterness, I had this epiphany: Forgiveness is the best revenge.

Isn’t that what we want when we stay bitter–for them to suffer for what they did?  We want to “get back at them”, for someone to pay for their poor choices.  We instinctively understand that whole eye for an eye aspect of justice.  In OT times, a lamb lost its life.  Nowadays, we know Jesus paid.  And if someone refuses to accept His sacrifice to cover the sins they’ve inflicted on others, well then God said one day He’ll judge them.  “‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”  And that day may come for them sooner than later–even on this earth.

So if we know justice will be served and then leave it in God’s hands, let’s do ourselves and everyone around us a favor and let it go.  All of it.

We’ll free ourselves from the burden of repaying that person back.  We’ll leave room for God’s wrath (way better than ours anyway!).  And we’ll free ourselves to live without their influence guiding our choices anymore.

Yes, they hurt us.  But do we want to allow it to continue hurting us?  No way.

Forgiveness is truly the best revenge.  If this is our response, we’ll win that scenario every time.

Take the advice of one of our country’s most influential leaders to ever walk American soil–a man who overcame incredible hatred during his lifetime, lost his very life to hate and had every reason to return the favor:

“I’ve decided to stick with love.  Hate is too great a burden to bear.”  -Martin Luther King Jr.

Playing it (Too) Safe

Just turned twenty-eight.  Wooohooo.  Blow the kazoo, I’m one step closer to 30!

From the get-go of this year, I sensed God saying that this was the year I’d face my fears. 

Uh oh. 

You see, I had this sudden twenty-eight-year-old epiphany.  I’m not fully living.

Why not?  I’m scared to.

I’m confined–or rather, I confine myself–to a handful of places (all pre-screened of course).  Anywhere I feel safe.

But I’ve never been a “stay-at-home, play-it-safe” kinda girl.  Or rather, I wasn’t.  This is a recent development.

Growing up, I was an adventurer at heart!  Amelia Earhart was my favorite heroine.  I relished the joy of discovery–in my backyard, with new friends, learning new ideas.  With people, I boldly trusted often and many.  People mocked my open-eyed wonder and idealistic view of life, but I was ummoved.  I had no reason to question the beauty of our world.

I’ve been an explorer throughout my life.  As a child, my family jet-setted us around the country.  Then in college, I studied abroad, trekking across a near-dozen European countries, and later spent time in South Africa on a missions trip.  After graduation, I spent a semester at a leadership institute in Colorado Springs, then took a three-week roadtrip across the country before settling “home” in Florida for a few years.  Next came a dramatic move to Atlanta, and ultimately I landed here in Austin, Texas.

I loved all of it–the adventures, up and downs, sleeping in airports, planes-trains-automobiles, crazy experiences and had-to-be-there moments.

While abroad, I learned something fascinating.  In life, there are two types of people: Travelers and Tourists.  We can learn a lesson from both.

Tourists are focused on checklists, efficiency, tour guides and buses.  They can’t fathom wasting precious travel time on an unplanned detour.  They want to somehow control the process of discovery and, thus, miss the very essence of traveling.  Yes, they saw The Pietà and walked the Great Wall of China, but they did so at the expense of the journey–being immersed in a new world, interacting with people not-unlike-themselves.

Au contraire, Travelers linger in each place they visit, taking in the sights/sounds/tastes/funny people/and quirky charm of each destination.  They chill at a cafe instead of standing in line for the Eiffel Tower.  They allow the journey to lead them down unexpected paths–and don’t try to mold their experience to some guidebook.

Okay, you’re wondering, What do Travelers and Tourists have to do with “playing it safe”?

Everything!

With each new place I visited, my world got bigger.  My travels forced me outside my American mentality and broadened horizons.  Suddenly my world exploded in size.  I know, cliche right?  But true!

We must leave our tiny towns to realize how big our world is and appreciate that as fellow people, we’re “all in this together”, regardless of our locale.

When we stay in the smallness of our worlds, we can forget others living with much deeper needs than ours or who are plodding the same path we are.

Living small makes us small.  We lose sight of new ways of living and think our culture has the best and only way.  Hah!  :) We should try a Spanish siesta for a change-of-pace or lounge in restaurants for 3 to 4 hours like the French do.  Maybe we should visit Hong Kong’s brightly-lit grittiness or encounter the third-world-country reality.

I believe our borders are much too small.  And sadly, in my own life, I’ve forgotten these lessons. 

I’ve lost sight of our big world–allowed fear to thrive and squeeze out my adventurous spirit.  I’ve started living dangerously small–don’t-leave-the-house, don’t-talk-to-people-everyday, worry-about-our-cushy-5-figure-income small.

I’ve gotten–comfortable.  I’ve stopped taking risks.  I’ve stopped putting myself out there.  I’ve started hiding in my comfort zone, fearing newness and settling into (say it ain’t so!) routines.  (For Adventurers at heart, routine is a four-letter word!)

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.

The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day, to have a new and different sun.”

-Chris McCandless, “Into the Wild”

When did I become like this?

I’ve become a shell of myself.  I’m not connecting with people anymore.  And in marriage, I’m reaching a wall–the wall built with my two hands.  The wall of isolation, the one I erected (funny word :) to keep others at bay.

And it’s working.

No one knows the hurt I carry except my (sweet) (overwhelmed) (strong/brave) hubby.  He witnesses the meltdowns, the fear-filled accusations hurled his way, the trepidation and caution with which I approach new people now.

Apparently somewhere along the way, my heart decided it’d had enough.  People were ‘all the same’, more or less, and relationships were painful.  People weren’t who they said they were–didn’t stick around like they promised–took without apology or retribution–didn’t care, wrapped up in their own worlds (me included).

In short, people were people.

So I stopped journeying out of my comfort zone, embracing new places and people and experiences, investing in new relationships.  I maintained old ones, yes, but tentatively.  And you-better-believe I cut off any decidedly crappy friends.

My pastor called me out recently, exposing a false belief I didn’t even know I had.  He recognized my need for Control in my life today, saying my strict religious upbringing (wonderful in ways, very controlled in others) gave me a sense of security with its high level of “Controls”.  When I ventured beyond these in college and got hurt, I re-implemented serious Controls to make sure that never happened again.  Some call this legalism.  I like to call it being religulous :)

I convinced myself that controlling my world would keep me safe–so I made sure nothing threatened my security again.  This required a major adjustment to my adventure-loving lifestyle.

I began avoiding risky adventures with the same gusto I once pursued them.  I stopped revisiting any place I’d been scarred, especially Big Bad Scary Places like bars/clubs, parties, and anywhere with free-flowing alcohol and undisciplined men [wisely so, I'll add].  This spilled over into an avoidance of certain sections of town… then being around people who reminded me of so-and-so… then eventually anywhere–in large part–outside of God’s house (not entirely safe either, as there are humans in there!).

I thought this was the answer to pain–avoid crazy adventures, people and places, and be content staying right where you’re at.

So I went into hiding.

I’ve hidden in judgment (certainly), religiousness/spiritual activity, and–most alarming to me because I wasn’t aware til marriage–denying reality.

But withdrawing isn’t the answer.  It can’t be.  God says ‘Go into all the world’, something my younger self said YES! to without question.  Every time I withdraw, I squelch who I really am: that excited traveler who relishes each new discovery made.

My tiny, fear-based, me-centered world is miserable.  But where can I go?  How can I be safe out there?  Lions.  Tigers.  Bears!

But when I’m old, do I want to say I lived “free from harm”, avoiding every imperfection/sin in others (and thus pain)?  Each tempting scenario and uncontrollable situation?

No.  Never.

So I can’t stay here anymore.  I must conquer this debilitating fear or risk traveling the landscape of my life like a Tourist: full of checklists, ‘to-dos’, rigid rules and especially “Thou shalt nots”.  I’ll be so focused on controlling my life that I’ll miss the beautiful journey altogether. 

And I think that would be the saddest sin of all.  To live small.

So how do I break myself free from this “prison” of one?  And how will you?

Living ‘Plan B’

We’ve all done it.

Expected God to work on our timetable.  Anticipated how our lives would unfold.  ‘Known’ our future career, life plans, how many kids we would have, who we’d marry.

Then life rudely interrupts.  How dare you, life!  This is my story, and you’re wrecking it.  Dr. Del Tackett (Focus on the Family) describes this as “Someone stepping on our script”.  Life is all about me, so whoever stands in the way is the enemy.  Right?

Have you ever had this experience?  Our response to these detours, delayed dreams, disappointments, and every other ‘D’ word says a lot about who we are… and what we put our hope in.

The reality is that sometimes, following God is HARD.  He does not give us the blueprint for our lives, the road map we will travel, the extreme disappointments or detours we sometimes face, the failures we encounter (our own and others).

This doesn’t sit well with our Inner Control Freak–the OCD one that wants to figure out life and keep it under our thumb.  We want to call the shots.  The American Dream after all is about realizing your plan for your life–Higher Powers not included.

But I’m learning that the sooner we surrender the American Dream and follow God’s dream for us, the better off we will be.

Blasphemy?  For diehard Patriots, it seems to be.

God is — if you haven’t figured it out yet — unpredictable.  Yet He’s still in control.  He knows ahead of time what you’ll face, good/bad/and ugly-ugly.

This weekend I read where Jesus tells His followers that our Father knows what we need before we ask.  Good news!  He sees beyond our finite timeline and already knows our life’s twists and turns–some exhilarating, some terrifying, and some crushingly painful.

I had this very experience 2 years ago when I moved to Atlanta.  I moved there with the highest of hopes–believing God had told me to go.  I jumped at the chance, in faith.  I didn’t foresee that in the months to follow, every hope and dream in my heart would be dashed.  (Sad story?  No way–God has turned me in a brand-new direction that is much better than the plans I’d had in this city!)

My time there wasn’t without purpose, but the wandering and deep pain was brutal, at the time.  I wondered if God forgot me or if He just never intended to bless me.  Every faith-filled promise was challenged at my core.  At some point, I stopped believing God was for me and assumed life was bitterly hard.  I’m a little sad to say I gave up hope.

During my time there, two Scriptures continuously “popped up” everywhere I turned:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have summoned you by name; you are Mine.
When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.”
-Isaiah 43:1-2

And then this one, a promise I HATED (truthfully!).  When I came across it, I rolled my eyes, scoffed and quickly flipped the page–or tuned the speaker out.  Just a little telling of my heart’s condition, huh?  Eep.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” -Jeremiah 29:11

The truth is, I didn’t believe Him.  Hope?  I didn’t want hope–it had gotten me nowhere except heartbreak.  So I glossed over this verse whenever it came up.  Plans to prosper me?  Yea, right.  I’ve heard that one before honey.  I’m in the digging-in-your-heels-and-fighting-like-hell stage.  Hope-filled futures and prosperity weren’t even on my radar.  I was just trying to survive.

I wonder if you’re experiencing this right now, or if you may someday.  I hope not, but if this happens in your life, you are hearing ahead of time that God cares for you and that you aren’t alone in walking this difficult path.

9 months into my Atlanta venture, He let me know something else, too.  Out of nowhere, as if trying to get a message across to me, this thought kept resonating in my heart:

You are living Plan B. 

……….

Hold the phone.  Say what?  HOW?  I’ve been following ‘Your’ voice this whole time.  Right?

Then a week or two later, my roomie told me about a little book titled Plan B.  At its mention, something jumped within me.  Suddenly I knew I was living Plan B.  I didn’t know how or why, but I realized I was missing God’s “divine will” for me somehow.

In retrospect I see the truth in this.  I was pursuing the wrong dream, one manufactured in my own heart, not His.  That’s what I followed when moving to Atlanta–myself.  I didn’t know that then.  I was fully [and wrongly] convinced that God Himself said to go, but as months and then a year dragged on, that Voice spoke the truth that I was living outside His ideal for me.

You see, months before moving, God warned me not to spite someone I knew (an Atlantan)–that if I did, I would delay my future.  Then He repeated Himself.  He warned me that my disobedience would cost me precious time and delay a huge blessing in my life.  Per (my old) usual, I strongheadedly forged ahead anyway.  Never a good idea.  I believe my tough time in this city was the price I paid.

So that painful journey wasn’t God’s “Plan A” for me?  Nope–I really don’t think so.  He graciously walked me through it, true to His word, but it wasn’t without severe repercussions.  I don’t recommend taking your own road for this reason :)  But sometimes our stubborn wills won’t learn any other way.

Atlanta turned out to be exactly that: a detour keeping me focused on the wrong dream, and taking me away from the right man and the right city–Plan A.

I’m so thankful to say that towards the end of my Atlanta experience, God rapidly brought the puzzle pieces of my life together for marriage and relocation to Austin, TX.

Oh Lord, thank You for speaking to me there.  Thank You for encouraging me ahead of time, letting me know You’d walk through the waters with me and not let the fire set me ablaze.  You are so kind and merciful to tell us what we need to hear before we walk through it!!  Even if we don’t recognize You in our midst, thank You for being there anyway.   

So now, ‘without further adieu’, here’s the message I needed to hear so desperately last year–the central message of this Plan B book I’d heard about.  I only wish I’d read this then!

Have you ever felt like you stepped out on faith and smashed it to pieces?

Maybe you honestly felt like God was calling you to do something or go somewhere, but once you did it everything seemed to begin to fall apart. Now you’re trying to pick up the pieces and get your life back on track, while wondering how you could have felt so sure about something that ended up being so wrong.

They say every cloud has a silver lining, but does it ever feel like the silver linings of all the clouds are tarnished?

You are desperately searching for a ray of hope in the midst of the storm that is your life, but it seems like every time you see a light shining down from the clouds, it turns out to be a bolt of lightning that knocks you back down. You know that storms are inevitable and rain is necessary if fruit is to be produced, but you are wondering if the storm is ever going to end.

Do you ever feel like you are asleep and can’t wake up?

You are drifting in and out of consciousness, knowing that you need to wake up and get going because there is so much more to life than where you are at and what you have done, but you can’t figure out how to snap out of the funk and get things moving in the right direction. You know that for things to get better, you have to stand up and get moving, but it would be so much easier to pull the covers up over your head, shut out the rest of the world, and let yourself fall into a deep sleep.

“What do you do when God doesn’t show up the way you thought He would?”
“What do you do when your life isn’t turning out the way you thought it would? “
“What do you do when your dreams are shattered? “

Pete Wilson is pastor of Cross Point Church in the Nashville, TN area and he addresses these three questions, among others, in Plan B: What Do You Do When God Doesn’t Show Up The Way You Thought He Would.

Have you ever read a book that seemed like the whole purpose of it being written was so that you could read it at the exact time and situation you are in? This was that book for me. At a time when I was feeling beat down, hopeless, and searching for answers, this book was a God-send. Literally. As I was reading it, I felt like God was using the words of Pete Wilson to communicate a message of hope and comfort at the time I needed it most.

Thank you, Pete Wilson, for writing this book and for your willingness to allow God to speak through you.  Find out more about the book: planbbook.com.

And now, my earnest question for you: Have you ever lived Plan B?  What did you learn thru this experience?

Your Redemption is Near

The hour has come for you to wake up from your slumber, because our salvation is nearer now than when we first believed.  The night is nearly over; the day is almost here.

-Romans 13:11-12

Today this Scripture was highlighted to me.  Your redemption draws nigh!

Redemption is His glory at the end of a long, difficult road.  God is weaving His redemption into each of our lives every passing day.  He is making our lives beautiful, turning what the enemy meant for evil into good.

This is the story of how He redeemed me.

Redemption from Pain

College and the years after brimmed with deep pain and darkness for me.  Some people call it the “Dark Night of the Soul”.  This was mine.

During my teenage years I had some tough experiences, things people should never have to deal with.  What followed was a decade of indescribable pain.  Life was crushing.  I don’t know how else to describe it.

The first year was a blur; I simply don’t remember much.  Each subsequent year was filled with searching, grasping for something to heal my wounds.  Utter desperation.  Despair.  Teeny glimmers of hope after all seemed lost.  And extreme confusion.

I turned over one stone only to uncover more.  There were LAYERS to this thing, this mountain of pain I held inside.  What was the answer?  What did I need most?

I realized I faced a choice: Deal with my experiences with my Healer’s help, the One I’d walked away from years prior, or turn away again to other ‘lovers’.

By the grace of God, this time around I chose Him.

As the pain intensified – which often happens on the road to freedom — I shrank back in fear, a shell of myself.  I sought Him, but leaned heavily on other crutches to make it through.  I didn’t want to unleash a torrent of struggles onto others, and I struggled to trust them, so I fumblingly turned to God again and again.  I slipped, yes!, but I returned to His feet.  I sought His heart for me.  I sought His salve and His touch… but I didn’t fully trust Him either.  Intimacy terrified me, so I played peek-a-boo with my Saviour for much too long, thinking He wouldn’t approve when He saw me up close.

But that’s not what we learn from His precious promises to us.  God shows His heart for His beloved, despite their repeated betrayal, in Hosea:

Come, let us return to the LORD.
He has torn us to pieces
but He will heal us;
He has injured us
but He will bind up our wounds.
After two days He will revive us;
on the third day He will restore us,
that we may live in His presence.
Let us acknowledge the LORD;
let us press on to acknowledge Him.
As surely as the sun rises,
He will appear;
He will come to us like the winter rains,
like the spring rains that water the earth.

-Hosea 6:1-3

Ever so slowly, light shone into my prison.  God entered and chased away my shame, one lie at a time.  He began stripping me of old habits and destructive cycles, revealing to me a new abundant way of life.  Then He did a remarkable thing.  Like His word says, He gave me a new name!, one spoken to me in the depth of the pit: JOY.  I stared back at the man who spoke this over my life, this word of faith, through the eyes of deep sadness and pain.  Joy — me?  He said I’ll bring joy wherever I go?  Wow!  How unthinkable in that season, but how like our Creator to make us into the unthinkable–something glorious–when we could’ve never accomplished it on our own.  How beautiful!  :)

One painstaking step of faith at a time, I learned to trust my Creator as He showed Himself most trustworthy!  This word became true in my life:

The LORD sets prisoners free,
the LORD gives sight to the blind,
the LORD lifts up those who are bowed down,
the LORD loves the righteous.
The LORD watches over the alien
and sustains the fatherless and the widow,
but He frustrates the ways of the wicked.

-Psalm 146

This story of redemption is yours, and it is mine.  And it is life-changing when we share it with others.

Let the Redeemed of the Lord Say So!

Revelation 12 teaches us invaluable information about our redemption, our salvation:

Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say:

‘Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of His Christ.
For the accuser of our brothers,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.
They overcame him
by the blood of the Lamb
and by the word of their testimony;
they did not love their lives so much
as to shrink from death.’

To overcome our mutual enemy, each of us must share our story in our circles– proclaim our freedom, God’s redemption of our pain!  Scripture says “Let the redeemed of the Lord say so!”  Speak it.  Share our travels.  Surely somewhere along the way, we will meet others struggling through areas God has given us victory in.  With these people we are compelled to share that freedom is possible, they are not alone, and such beauty awaits them on the other side. 

And that’s why I share mine.

Some sat in darkness, in utter darkness,
prisoners suffering in iron chains,
because they rebelled against God’s commands
and despised the plans of the Most High.
So He subjected them to bitter labor;
they stumbled, and there was no one to help.
Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble,
and He saved them from their distress.
He brought them out of darkness, the utter darkness,
and broke away their chains.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love
and His wonderful deeds for mankind,
for He breaks down gates of bronze
and cuts through bars of iron…
He sent out His word and healed them;
He rescued them from the grave.
Let them give thanks to the LORD for His unfailing love
and His wonderful deeds for mankind.
Let them sacrifice thank offerings
and tell of His works with songs of joy.

-Psalm 107

Do you see it?  Despite our self-made prisons and self-imposed chains, God breaks down bronze gates and iron bars.  This is redemption.  It is God giving ear to our cries in our distress.  It is our powerful Saviour rescuing us from every kind of death.

Hallelujah :)

Beauty from Ashes

God didn’t just save me from darkness.  He saved me to someplace, a place He carved out for me before the world began. (Thanks to Beth Moore for this revelation!)

Ten years after the nightmare began, after believing no man would brave peering into my brokenness or would find beauty there, God gave me my heart’s desire: He made me a radiant bride!  I didn’t think this time would actually come.  If my tough experiences had taught me anything, it was that I’d always be in ‘waiting mode’.  Yet, that assumption proved false.  Even now I find it hard to wrap my mind around how far He’s brought me.  Me.  Redeemed.

Yet here I am.

My mom called my attention to this recently at my “early birthday” celebration, words I can’t forget.  She said that despite the long journey I’ve taken — the pain and sadness, my desire to get married earlier than I did, and the painful waiting period that ensued — when my time arrived, God blessed me with two weddings, two honeymoons and all kinds of two-ness (two becoming one)!  [Yes, we had two wedding celebrations: our wedding day with parents and pastor, and a huge one with all our loved ones.]  As she said this, instantly this verse flashed into my mind:

Instead of your shame
   you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
   you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
   and everlasting joy will be yours.

-Isaiah 61:7

[and in the Amplified]:

Instead of your [former] shame you shall have a twofold recompense; instead of dishonor and reproach [your people] shall rejoice in their portion. Therefore in their land they shall possess double [what they had forfeited]; everlasting joy shall be theirs.

Before marriage, I felt shame.  Many of my God-given dreams hinged on meeting the right man, starting a family and creating a life together.  But my dreams tarried.

Yet now I see how the Lord has turned each of these challenging times around for my good.  Each painful season changed something in me that needed to be changed, and each tough path I have traveled thus far has shown me new pathways to healing and freedom that I now share with others.  God has made “all things work together” on my and my husband’s behalf, and in the process He has made (and continues to make!) our story soo beautiful!

A year ago I would have never envisioned the life I’m now living every day.   I recall one moment last spring when God whispered to me, in my utter despair, “It’s always darkest before dawn.” He knew that after enough time passed and life didn’t happen as I’d imagined, hope died in me.

But God is faithful!  Eight months later I was blessed with two totally unique weddings — one flanked by New Mexico’s gorgeous snow and mountains and the other surrounded by Florida’s sunshine, sand and palm trees — and two honeymoons, when I’d only dreamed of one!  Both days were exceptionally beautiful.

Wow!  Did I deserve such grace after the places I’d been?  Or after failing to believe that He cared for me and would bless me one day?  No I didn’t.  Yet, that’s what grace means.  It isn’t earned or merited.  It is freely given.

His word promises us,

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten –
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm –
My great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the LORD your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will My people be shamed.

-Joel 2:25-26

Repaid me He has.  And this is just the beginning of my story.

His promises are so beautiful because they are so true!  He will give us beauty for ashes, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.  That’s just what He’s done (and continuing to do) in my life.  And that’s just what He’s doing in yours.

Our Final Redemption

God’s final promise of redemption will greet us in the next life.  It is such a glorious promise!  Savor each word because this is His promise to YOU and to me, to all His children, in the place He’s preparing for us:

“Though you were once despised and hated,
with no one traveling through you,
I will make you beautiful forever,
a joy to all generations.
Powerful kings and mighty nations
will satisfy your every need,
as though you were a child
nursing at the breast of a queen.
You will know at last that I, the Lord,
am your Savior and your Redeemer,
the Mighty One of Israel.
I will exchange your bronze for gold,
your iron for silver,
your wood for bronze,
and your stones for iron.
I will make peace your leader
and righteousness your ruler.
Violence will disappear from your land;
the desolation and destruction of war will end.
Salvation will surround you like city walls,
and praise will be on the lips of all who enter there.

“No longer will you need the sun to shine by day,
nor the moon to give its light by night,
for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light,
and your God will be your glory.
Your sun will never set;
your moon will not go down.
For the Lord will be your everlasting light.
Your days of mourning will come to an end.
All your people will be righteous.
They will possess their land forever,
for I will plant them there with My own hands
in order to bring Myself glory.
The smallest family will become a thousand people,
and the tiniest group will become a mighty nation.
At the right time, I, the Lord, will make it happen.”

-Isaiah 60

Until heaven, God will be working redemption in our lives here on earth.  Each broken part of us He redeems, each wound He heals in this life points us to our final destination and the Ultimate Redemption of mankind.  God promises a heavenly home where the sun never goes down!  Tears are not cried!  Unfathomable now, but it will be our reality later–just as I could never have hoped or dreamed or expected the life I’m now experiencing daily.  I couldn’t have even wished for the love I now know in marriage.  And this is just a glimpse of what’s to come.

I’ll leave you with God’s best promise of all.  See for yourself–Ephesians 3:14-21.  Let’s always remind ourselves and each other that we can trust God because He is faithful! 

Follow You

Simply put, I adore this song.

Leeland and Brandon Heath’s lyrics describe the heartbeat of what I hope my life is, the impact I desire to have.

I want to follow Him.  I want to reach out and help people encounter Jesus, not the hokey-made-up-religious Jesus, but the life-altering, heart-holding, walks-with-me-talks-with-me, compassionate feels-our-hurts Man who saved my life.  And yours (even if you don’t know it yet).

Jesus has saved me from unspeakable pain.  He’s rescued me from deep darkness, from a pit of despair it took a decade to climb out of.  Just this past year I’m seeing bursts of light everywhere!  How could I have missed this?  The world is full-color, after all, a truth I once relied on others to paint for me.  I was unaware of life’s beauty then.  My reality differed.

But all that’s changed.

This is no Interwebs pity party, mind you, so please don’t break out the tissues.  This is a CELEBRATION!  Of all He’s done for me.  Of all He’s done and doing for you!  This song encapsulates that — it captures my heart in a beautiful melody.

My old music faves depress me now.  They used to be my mantras, for years.  My how God’s moved and changed and healed my heart!

He continues to more each day.  He brightens my life.  I never have to go back to that pit!  He’s shown me freedom, what tangled me up in the dark, and how to show others the way out.

And that’s the message of this song.

Once you’re free, you never wanna revisit old places.  Leave them dead and buried.  You have new horizons to explore!  You have PEOPLE to reach with His hope.

If someone saved your life, all you’d wanna do is tell others what they did.  Spread their love and share your gratitude!

And if they risked their life for you, you would likely be so stunned, so grateful, you would want to serve them somehow.  Give them something, anything, to “pay them” what you really can’t return.

But what if Someone didn’t risk their life for you.  They GAVE it.  They died so you would spring to life.  What would you do then?  And what if they died for your friends too?  Your neighbors?

I imagine you’d tell others about this person who died in your place, and theirs.  Everywhere.  As much and as often as you can.  Who does that, after all?  Who dies so that someone else may live?

We all know… Jesus did.

At times when I lose this “Gospel saving” perspective, I have only to turn on this song and sing the words.  They remind me of my heart’s true desire, where I’ve lost focus in my life.  They re-orient me to my life’s mission.

I want to follow Him …… into the world, into broken people’s homes.  But I want to leave there ……. with chains dangling from my hands, the chains of people once in bondage.  People who can know the freedom I, too, now know.

Don’t you?

Thank You loving Father for rescuing me.  Where would I be without Your grace?  Make this song my life.  I want to help bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, the year of Jubilee to those who are bound.  Help me, Father.  Enable me to be like You, Jesus.  Empower me Holy Spirit.  In Jesus’ precious name I pray, amen.

Addicted

In the words of John Mayer, we all self-soothe somehow… me?  Music.  People.  Cooking.

What are yours?  When life’s edgy, money’s low, pain comes, or you’re alone.. where do you turn?

We’re all designed to be comforted.  I know I need it. 

Like today… my ambitious plans for the day were scrapped by a sudden need for rest and peace.  After spending my morning with a friend, I found myself needing encouragement this thunderstormy afternoon.  But my friend was on an airplane elsewhere.

Far from family and lifelong friends, I have just a few trusted Atlanta friends right now.  I’ve met loads of people, but trust takes time.  For reasons such as distance and others, sometimes people can’t be there for us… so we learn to turn elsewhere.  

Without human comfort, many people seek unhealthy ways to escape pain.  This is a false comforter, and it’s meant to take your mind off the present and bring you elsewhere.  We call ‘em coping mechanisms.  Gone unchecked, our methods of coping become addictions, and the longer we feed them, the more fierce the battle for freedom becomes. 

Walking out one’s freedom can be excruciating because an addict has conditioned himself to send pain packing in the form of a bottle, a meal, or a host of other things.  He’s never learned to deal with life; he’s just run away.  To kick an addiction, he has to re-learn how to face troubles head-on.  In recovery, the addict often experiences for the first time emotions he froze out years earlier. 

When they break free, many former addicts say they feel like they suddenly ‘came to’, like awakening after a long absence.  How can that be?  They were living life one day at a time like the rest of the world, so where did they go all those years?

They fled the present.  They got so wrapped in the arms of their comforter that they detached from today.  They weren’t living their lives at all — they were running all those years. 

I’ve done that, too. 

Over the years I turned to people, but many didn’t know how to handle what I was going through because they hadn’t personally experienced it, or for others, they had but hadn’t dealt with it.  Where once we connected, I now felt a massive void with old friends and family who couldn’t walk with me through my experience. 

The more misunderstood and alone I felt, the more I burst to share with someone who could offer comfort or peace or answers.  I wanted to share with them the true me, including my story.  But to my surprise, I found most people wanted me to pretend my way through the healing process and ‘fake it til you make it’.  But hiding persistent pain unraveled me.  

To pretend you didn’t walk through pain doesn’t make it any less real, it only isolates you from the present and the people around you.  It hinders progress.  It encourages you to live on the surface of life, in a shallow contrived personality, not in your true self.  It beckons you to hide your heart, not unveil it.  So I learned that in order to move forward, I must acknowledge my past without dwelling on it, just simply say This is part of God’s story in my life.  He will redeem it. 

Our pain is not evil… but leaving people alone in it – that is evil.  In the words of Ben Harper:

My eyes burn with unshed tears
My body is weak from so many silent years
Too many people say goodbye before they say hello
Step into the morning and disappear

If we pass by a hurting person roadside, bleeding and broken, we in essence heap dirt on their grave because we’re letting them die.  It’s not always a physical death (the Good Samaritan comes to mind); sometimes it’s an emotional or spiritual death.  We cannot sit by and watch their hope die, their peace be stolen from them, without a fight.  Without helping.  There are some things in life people cannot bear alone.  Enter friendship :)

Human nature’s knee-jerk reaction is to run from ugly reality and towards shiny happy things, pretending life is always beautiful.  Not only do people run from their own personal pain but from yours, too.  For this very reason, pain often isolates us.  Nothing’s wrong with you for hurting; people just don’t want the reminder.  Your pain snaps them back to the present, the one they’ve been fleeing, and leaves them needing comfort. 

So now you’re asking- What’s the good news Debbie downer?  Hah, I’m glad you did!

The good news is we aren’t alone, ever, even when our closest friends aren’t “getting it”.  He is our hiding place in hard times, and Beloved that is not a pretty sentiment; it’s true!  As real as the chair you are sitting on is our Father above who watches, sees, and will repay any evil done to you.  He redeems pain (Ps 103:4), collects our teardrops (Ps 56:8), and demands payment from the thief, who when apprehended must repay seven times what he stole from you (Prov 6:31).  Vengeance is His; He will repay (Rom 12:19)! 

There is hope for the addicted.  Instead of reaching for what brings us fleeting comfort, let’s reach for Him.  Here’s a beautiful Starfield song demonstrating His presence even in our pain:   

In the shadows, I can hear Your voice
Singing to me
In the valley, I can hear Your heart
Reaching for me now
And I wait flooded with the strength of Your peace

You’re my defender, the shield of my heart
You are my hiding place
When terror surrounds me, You keep me from harm
You are my hiding place

In the darkness, I can feel Your light
Wrap around me
In my suffering, I can feel Your joy
Rising in me now
And I wait, flooded with the strength of Your peace

Here before You, Jesus
In this place
Here before You now
Face to face

Under the shelter of the Most High
Will I be saved, and will I abide

He is our hiding place.

The Music in You

The science gurus recently discovered something awesome: Music helps people exercise longer, harder, and enjoy it more!

Why?  Because something about music makes time ’pass’ faster. 

Today as I worked on my contract job (web work), not something I eagerly “look forward to”, I opened Pandora because I LOVE music.  It makes the tediousness of my job more bearable.  Many times I find myself loving it!  Who knew?

Then I connected the dots…music makes everyday life better! 

What is it about music that suspends time?  I’m not sure, but cleaning my house, lifting weights, painting walls, even yard work have all been greatly improved by music.  I turn it on all the time! 

Isn’t that what God tells us to do when we’re in the midst of trial after trial and exhausting circumstances?  He says to PRAISE Him.  Over and over again He communicates in Scripture that our victory is linked to our worship.

Many mornings He awakens me with a song, and it’s definitely not my own doing.  The song’s often a random one pulled from the recesses of my memory and popped into my head as I wake.  Then as I prep for my day, the song arises and I’m suddenly aware that it’s exactly what I need to overcome what I’m facing that day or that moment.

Amazing!

He puts the music in you!  Why?  Because He wants us to overcome, so He gives us songs to rise above what would otherwise be unbearable. 

His music suspends time, making difficulties pass faster than if we sat silent and endured the pain.

Could this be why music was central in the lives of slaves centuries ago or Holocaust victims in concentration camps?  Music makes our spirits soar and takes our eyes off the situation we’re in.  It turns drudgery (ahem, running 6 miles) into fun!  And not just that - it makes us want to run faster.  This sounds crazy… except for the fact that music changes something deep in us and propels us onward. 

Sweet!  :)

This should inspire us to run to worship Him when we’re struggling.  Open your mouths today and praise Him!  You’ll find it’s exactly what you need to give you great joy during hard times, exceedingly abundant joy!

‘The Beast Within’

“The winner of this battle is simply decided by which wolf we feed.”

God’s been speaking to me about this lately… and then suddenly, there it was today in black & white: the beast within! 

We have two sides.  The question is, which one are we feeding – our selfish desires or our spirit within us?  Because when tough times come, the stronger one will rise up and react.  Am I feeding cravings for pleasure, unrestrained rage, a loose tongue that cuts down others and speaks death over my circumstances?  Or am I feeding forgiveness, purity in my thoughts and how I treat others, faith in the midst of fears, and hope despite odds stacked against me?  (Ahem, this post is for me as much as it may be for you!)

Let’s must keep in mind that we can’t tame this beast alone.  Sure, we may be able to discipline ourselves for a time — outwardly at least.  But self-imposed discipline can’t cure the problem!  Col. 2:20-23 says:

Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: ‘Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!’? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.

These commands lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence — any!  We can’t rein this beast in ourselves.  We must simply ask God for grace to help us! 

Are you struggling with parents, kids, an ’inconsiderate, lazy, critical’ spouse or boss?  A coworker or friend that sucks the life outta you and uses you for gain?  An addiction?  Finances?  A lack of joy?  Waning health, despite having ‘tried everything’?  Been there! 

Ask God for TODAY’S GRACE.  It’s your daily portion!  Pray to your Abba Father who sees and truly cares:

“Please give me my daily bread, Father.  I need incredible grace to deal with this.  Your Word promises I can come boldly before Your throne to obtain grace and mercy in time of need.  I am in need!  Thank You Father for providing exceptional, overflowing, more-than-I-need grace.  Thank You that I’m victorious.  In Jesus’ name I pray, amen!”

Pray.  And believe!  I am right there with you clinging to hope, believing for things I’ve waited on for years.  I’m so thankful I don’t have to live each year at a time – just daily. 

Thank You Father for Your daily bread.  Thank You that You’ve apportioned it for us before today arrived – before our tire blew out and we didn’t have money to cover it.  Before we were betrayed by someone we loved with our whole lives.  Before illness struck.  Before my spouse left, or my business hit rock bottom. 

Your grace is sufficient for me, for Your power is perfected in my weakness.  Thank You Lord that this is true in my life right now.  You know how desperately I needed this today.  You are awesome.  You are mighty.  And You are bigger than this. Your provision is waiting in the wings.