Tribute to My Best Friend

My husband's surprise meal awaiting me after night class!

Through the years we’ve all (likely) gotten on and off various treadmills in our lives.

These treadmills are when we try to earn somebody’s love, attention, respect and admiration.  I think we’ve all done it–even when we were unaware that’s what we were seeking.  The driven executive.  The perpetually-busy housewife.  The promiscuous teen/young adult (or older).  The tough guy.  The trendsetter.

Of course there are literal treadmills–”Run run run, fast as you can…”  I’ve easily (and sadly) spent half my life chasing this dream.  Let’s just say I’m not succeeding.

Then there are other kinds of treadmills we gauge our success by.  I tried one (laughable) one: Best cook!  That was a briefer stint.  Short story?  Fail (but a happy one, as any well-fed cook can attest)  :)

At some point I set my sights on being “Most popular” with the boys.  This I succeeded at quite well, til one day I realized they weren’t always seeking my best interest.  So I ran away.  And built walls, lots of walls.  John Eldredge calls this the “tower” every knight must rescue his princess from, claiming that every lady’s built one [slightly cheesy, but no less true].  Mine was a fortress!

My husband is the only one who persistently broke down my defenses–in just a shade under four years.  [I'd label this endeavor of mine a successful fail: I got a fabulous hubby outta the deal, but completely apart from my efforts].

One of my favorite thoughts about my husband is that he met me at my worst.  I love it.  I was my most homely (which makes me smile :), my most bare-faced, anti-social, uncharming, and in my mind unloveliest.

Enter future hubby.

Somehow God veiled his eyes (?) and he became captivated by me–I mean really captivated.  He saw the quirks in my behavior yet pursued me anyway (example: our first full-fledged encounter consisted of him hanging out with me as I tackled Sudoku–for 45 minutes–in near silence.  Yes really).

He asked me out that night.

No part of where I was at back then captured me at my best.  No part.  I was unemployed for crying out loud and living with my parents.  I mean, does that scream “MARRY ME” or what?

Yet three-and-a-half years later, that’s precisely what he did.  Just a short block from the home we Sudoku-ed in “together”.

And in that very same place–my parents’ beautiful home–we celebrated our engagement, and two months later, our marriage.

Wow.

Last night I dreamt about my husband.  He was personified as a brother, someone who was always around, helping, being considerate, positive and generally awesome (per usual, if you know him!  And maybe not-so-usual for the average brother), but someone firmly in the “Just Friends” box.

Or so I thought.

At some point in my dream, he emerged from the Friend Zone and became the man who captured my attention and won my heart.  It was an amazing dream, paralleling what happened with us in real life and highlighting all his strengths and fantastic qualities–ones I greatly esteem and admire.

I woke up reinvigorated with love for my husband, who I said “I do” to just 9 1/2 short months ago: New Years Day 2011 (that’s 1.1.11 for you sentimental ones).

We didn’t even plan the timing.  But part of me thinks God did.

Another part of me thinks God knew what He was doing when He sent Brian to me when I stood on the lowest rung of the ladder of success.  A girl who based her worth on her “ability to perform” meets the man of her dreams at the apex of her failure.

Coincidence?  I’m beginning to think not.  One day I had this epiphany that reaching rock bottom meant ”It can only go up from here” with him.  That was a beautiful and freeing place to be.

God bless him.  Really!  God, please bless him, for nights like tonight…

I was struggling.  So my husband checked outta work early, drove home (while on the phone with Negative Nancy herself), and rushed to my aid.  He came in our room, where I was lying on our bed, and just hugged me.  Enveloped me.  Loved me when I was so incredibly down and feeling broken.

God, You knew what I needed… back then in 2007 when we ‘met’ at my parents’ home… and today in his parents’ home, the one we all share, when he said I’m beautiful and loved me at my worst.

How could that be?

On days like today when I think God can’t possibly love and accept me in light of my failures, weaknesses and bad (okay, terrible) attitudes, I see my husband’s love and accept the growing realization that God must love me, too.  Because how else could I deserve to be blessed with such a man in my life?  What did I do to earn his love?

I’m so grateful I’ll never know… because someone as incredible as my husband loves me at my worst, and one day (I oh-so-hope) he can love me at my best.

Thanks God for such a gift–a man who is loving me back to life.

Growing Bamboo Roots

I’ve been toying with a temptation lately, something that allures many of us in difficulty: the temptation to quit.  The stress of what’s going on in my life feels far beyond what I can bear (not trying to dramatize, just wanna be transparent on this blog thingy :)

I think we all value Authenticity–myself especially–yet I’ve seen myself grow increasingly fake as I’ve struggled to handle what’s happening in my heart.  How do I tell people?

Welp, I haven’t.

But I think bearing burdens together makes you grow stronger, not weaker like I’ve always feared.  Grief shared is halved.  Whenever I’ve opened up, I felt much lighter and free-er, and my struggle lost much of its power/grip on me.  And my fears–the ones that told me to give up–died when brought to light.  I began asking myself, What was I so scared of?

Today I stumbled upon a fantastic ditty on “Quitting”, written by a man named Stephen Diffy (with some additions/edits by me).  I hope his piece inspires you to keep going, to trust God when we’re hard-pressed, and to not give up either.

We press on.

xoxox Summer

———-

One day I decided to quit… I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality… I wanted to quit my life.

I went to the woods to have one last talk with God.

“God,” I said. “Can you give me one good reason not to quit?”  His answer surprised me.

“Look around,” He said.  “Do you see the fern and the bamboo?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them.  I gave them light.  I gave them water.  The fern quickly grew from the earth.  Its brilliant green covered the floor.  Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed.

“But I did not quit on the bamboo.  In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful.  And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed.  But I did not quit on the bamboo,” He said.

“In the third year, there was still nothing from the bamboo seed.  But I would not quit.  In the fourth year, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed.  I would not quit,” He said.  “Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth.

“Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant… but just 6 months later, the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall.

“It had spent the five years growing roots.

“Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive.  Without deep roots, the bamboo would have never grown to be so tall–it wouldn’t have had the strength to support its massive height.

“Trust Me when you don’t see progress in your life.  I would not give any of My creations a challenge it could not handle or one without purpose.”

He said to me, “Did you know, My child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?

“I would not quit on the bamboo.  I will never quit on you.  Don’t compare yourself to others,” He said.  “The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern… yet they both make the forest beautiful.

“Your time will come,” God said to me.  “You will rise high!”

“How high should I rise?” I asked.

“How high will the bamboo rise?” He asked in return.

“As high as it can?” I questioned.

“Yes,” He said.  “Give Me glory by rising as high as you can.”

I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.  Never regret a day in your life.

Good days give you happiness
Bad days give you experiences
Both are essential to life.

“A happy and meaningful life requires our continuous input and creativity.  It does not happen by chance.  It happens because of our choices and actions.  And each day we are given new opportunities to choose and act and, in doing so, we create our own unique journey.”  Keep going…

Happiness keeps you sweet,
Trials keep you strong,
Sorrows keep you human,
Failures keep you humble,
Success keeps you glowing,
but only God keeps you going!

Autumn’s in Full Swing!

HAPPY AUTUMN!

In honor of my favorite time of year….. I’m posting a fun photo of the homemade apple cider I made recently.

[Pumpkin and flowers courtesy of my sweet, thoughtful husband!]

My Homemade Apple Cider!

Is this the most amazing season or what?  I love it, and I think you should too :)

Ways my hubby and I have (and plan to) celebrate autumn include:

1. The yummy aforementioned homemade apple cider
2. Pumpkin spice lattes from Starbies (Gingerbread lattes up next!)
3. Romantic night in–with pumpkin spice candles
4. An outdoor fall picnic in the park (Austin’s famed Zilker Park to be exact) watching leaves fall
5. Driving north to see the leaves turn
6. Visiting a pumpkin patch and having a pumpkin carving contest
7. Decorating our house with mini gourds (so cute!) and a cinnamon broom (his favorite)
8. Making pumpkin walnut bread
9. Getting lost in a local corn maze with friends (next w/e)
10. Pumpkin ice cream
11. Fall festivals

What ideas do you have to celebrate this gorgeous season?

Settle It Today

A most excellent post–one of the best I’ve read in a long time (author Regi Campbell).

I want to implement this principle in my life: Always settle it today.  I hope you will, too.

xoxoxox,
Summer

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What’s Down In The Well

October 10, 2011 in blog with 0 Comments

What’s down in the well comes up in the bucket.

One of my young executives taught me a principle years ago that I’ve never forgotten. It was cathartic for me as a leader….and as a husband.

He said, “When something one of your employees does bothers you, confront them with it before that day ends. No matter how petty…how trivial…how embarrassing, confront it.”  Don’t go home; don’t let them go home without talking it out.

For years, I harbored grudges against my wife. “She’s not this”, “She’s not that” I’d complain to my friends (and anyone who would listen). Ultimately, my deceptive little heart used these judgements to pull away from her. I became even more critical…..more caustic. I used her “failings” to justify all kinds of failings on my end. It ended in disaster, with her leaving me and my life in shambles.

What would have happened if I had dealt with all that stuff? What if I had gone to an older, wiser friend and told him about my feelings and my judgements of her? What if I’d talked those things out with her IMMEDIATELY after I started feeling them? Who knows.

The reality is that it took her leaving to wake me up to the junk I had hidden down in my “well”. I couldn’t suppress it forever. It was going to come out; if not in the “bucket” of my words, in the “bucket” of my behavior. Like a splinter buried deep in the sole of your foot, it’s gotta’ come out or it’s gonna’ lead to real problems.

God created us for relationships. With Him, His son, His spirit and with other people. He taught us to keep short accounts…like “before dark” short. When we “man up” and deal with what’s lodged in our hearts, we’ll be healthier, “lighter”,  and more lovable.

It’s a discipline worth committing to.

Today.

I have to bring it up today.

I have to settle it today.

I have to talk it through today.

Don’t let yourself off the hook any more.

Deal with it now.

“Above all else guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life”  Proverbs 4:23

P.S. My  wife came back and we started over. Married 42 years now, the 28 since she left and came back have been extraordinary, thanks to the grace of Jesus Christ and Miriam Campbell. 

*Read the original post here: http://radicalmentoring.com/2011/10/whats-down-in-the-well/.

The Best Revenge

“It ain’t heavy if you don’t pick it up.”

It sneaks up on you.  Fine one day, you find yourself changed a short time later.

You may have heard the story of how to boil a frog: Put him in cool water and slowly heat it up.  By the time the little guy’s aware how hot the water’s become, he’s halfway-cooked.  Works every time.

Bitterness is like that.  A friend, spouse, coworker, family member, even stranger hurts you.  You get angry (rightfully so)–but don’t release it.  So it hangs on.

Hebrews calls it a “bitter root”, and if it isn’t uprooted it blooms into a full-blown tree bearing poisonous fruit.  And what else does Heebs say bitter roots do?  They defile many.

We’ve all been the unfortunate recipient of a bitter person:

• The family member who always explodes over (minor) issues
• That man at work who brings his trademark derogatory attitude and snide comments with him each day (yay!)
• The pastor who vents from the pulpit and becomes hardened, ungracious, even judgmental (not in my experience, by the way)
• The bitter ex-boyfriend/girlfriend who just can’t move on/get over “what they did to me”

Maybe we’ve played some of these roles ourselves.

Forgiving is tough.  People say or do things that affect us for years, decades even.

• Reckless spending, debt and poor financial choices (someone with access to our money)
• Infidelity
• Fraud
• Abuse or neglect
• Harsh, hateful words
• Name-calling/stereotyping
• Driving under the influence
• Slander/gossip that colors people’s opinions of us
• Alcoholism

This list is endless.

The greater the hurt from someone’s actions, the more tempting it is to hang onto and the harder it is to release.

As many lives are spoiled by bitterness and a lack of forgiveness as by almost anything in the world. People go through physical and emotional breakdowns because they refuse to forgive others. The longer we carry a grudge, the heavier it becomes. We cannot afford to harbor bitterness in our soul….

Forgive and be forgiven. And then forget it. This is the secret of spiritual health. Keep short accounts with God and men. Dont lock bitterness and guilt within the closet of your soul. Allow the Holy Spirit to shine His divine spotlight in your heart. Let Him clean out every closet in your soul. Then claim Gods wonderful promise, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

-Evangelist Luis Palau (emphases mine) :)

Is such a burden worth hanging onto?  It only grows larger and heavier with time.  You risk losing your heart, your love for others, your joy and happiness, your peace, and healthy relationships (because you’re suddenly suspicious, thinking they’ll do the same thing to you that so-and-so did).  I know because it’s happened to me.

After years of carrying a burden of bitterness, I had this epiphany: Forgiveness is the best revenge.

Isn’t that what we want when we stay bitter–for them to suffer for what they did?  We want to “get back at them”, for someone to pay for their poor choices.  We instinctively understand that whole eye for an eye aspect of justice.  In OT times, a lamb lost its life.  Nowadays, we know Jesus paid.  And if someone refuses to accept His sacrifice to cover the sins they’ve inflicted on others, well then God said one day He’ll judge them.  “‘Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,’ says the Lord.”  And that day may come for them sooner than later–even on this earth.

So if we know justice will be served and then leave it in God’s hands, let’s do ourselves and everyone around us a favor and let it go.  All of it.

We’ll free ourselves from the burden of repaying that person back.  We’ll leave room for God’s wrath (way better than ours anyway!).  And we’ll free ourselves to live without their influence guiding our choices anymore.

Yes, they hurt us.  But do we want to allow it to continue hurting us?  No way.

Forgiveness is truly the best revenge.  If this is our response, we’ll win that scenario every time.

Take the advice of one of our country’s most influential leaders to ever walk American soil–a man who overcame incredible hatred during his lifetime, lost his very life to hate and had every reason to return the favor:

“I’ve decided to stick with love.  Hate is too great a burden to bear.”  -Martin Luther King Jr.

Welcome Back, Life!

"The glory of God is man fully alive." -Saint Ireneus

Christians I think get it messy sometimes.  I’m a big perpetrator of this.

We think the whole ‘Dying to self’ thing means dying to our passions, whatever we love and find fun and enjoyable.

But is that true?

A quick review of Scripture seems to support this.  Stop sinning.  Feed the poor.  Pray (a ton).  Don’t eat food some days (eep, fasting!).

An even quicker review of worldly activities includes ALL of the above, in excess!  I’ve heard the saying “To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites.  Moderation is for monks.”  I quite liked it.  Immediately I ‘had’ to disagree, though, because as Christians we know the dangers of excess anything.

But doesn’t something seem skewed here?  As God’s kids, aren’t we meant to be the free-est of the free?

Though I’m no monk, I’ve sure been living like one.  But why is living like a monk so bad?

After all they seem to be supernaturally connected to, well, the supernatural.  They don’t talk for whole days (nightmare?).  They pray like 5 times a day (about more than pleading for parking spaces!  Guilty ten times over).  They stay in monasteries away from the rest of the world.  They walk around in long, flowing robes (how Medieval of them), humming and meditating on obscure passages of Scripture.  (Wait–this is starting to sound like a bad cliche.  But you get the point).

Such a life hardly sounds like the liberated one Jesus talked about.  But Christians kinda think this is God’s ideal–me very much included.  Where did we get this ridiculous notion?

Okay, admittedly Jesus never cursed under His breath when stubbing His foot on stones.  He didn’t disobey Joseph and Mary (except that one time in the temple–which apparently was okay!).  And He most certainly didn’t drink, dance and party in extremes.  There are no holy hangovers, you know.

No.  Jesus didn’t do these things.  But let’s be real–was He known by what He did or didn’t do?

He said His food is to do the will of His Father, not to avoid sinning!  He lived on that.  Evil fell by the wayside with His single-minded devotion.

Jesus was a Man fully alive, not caught up in worldy pursuits–which ends in death–but in His glorious passions, His Father’s business.  They are one and the same, folks!  (Is that good news or what?)

Jesus was the walking-on-water, calming-the-storm-after-sleeping-through-it, touch-Me-and-be-healed Man.  He spent most of His days praying on mountaintops (sometimes through the night, people–good luck trying that!), making more bread than we could hope to in our lifetimes (roughly 9,000 loaves–in the bat of an eyelash), healing and teaching and discipling.  He invested in people.  He loved His Dad.

He was awesome.

His life wasn’t characterized by careful avoidance of evil (as my Inner Legalist wants).  Jesus’s path looks quite different from the monk’s life.  Need proof?

Therefore, if you died with Christ from the basic principles of the world, why, as though living in the world, do you subject yourselves to regulations—  “Do not touch, do not taste, do not handle,” which all concern things which perish with the using—according to the commandments and doctrines of men?  These things indeed have an appearance of wisdom in self-imposed religion, false humility, and neglect of the body, but are of no value against the indulgence of the flesh.

Whoa.  WHAT!  Is that really in Scripture?  That sounds like a “Get Outta Jail Free” card!!!

Colossians 2.  Read it and weep, friend (in the best way).  It’s liberating :)

When I first read that, I think I laughed.  It’s funny.  We all know these people: they think they’re better than you because they cuss less (or only at “justifiable times”, knowwhatImean?), they’re very humble, and they’re great rule-followers.  They know all the rules, recite them and point out when you don’t make the cut (Sorry, better luck next time).  They’re mad at YOU for enjoying life when they clearly aren’t.  Having fun?  You must be sinning!  But they skirt around their own sin struggles, retreating into a hole-for-one (so you can’t see it).

Ouch.  This describes me.

Funny, I wasn’t thinking of anyone but myself when writing that–honest.  I know I can be condemning, self-righteous and judgmental.  What the heck happened to grace in my life?

I’m not sure.  I lost sight of it, the same time I joined the Living Dead (as in ‘the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life’ kinda dead).

That’s what describes my life today.  Comparisons.  Lists of don’ts.  A lot of whining (yikes).  Overall, misery (and we all know what misery loves).

I look at my life-loving hubby–always in action, moving, hunting, running, planting, eating, laughing, encouraging, singing, reading God’s words, just living life–TO THE HILT.  Very appealing to most everyone.  He’s fun, laid-back, and forgiving.

In short–the opposite of me.  And part of me is mad.  He must be doing something wrong to be having so much fun!

But something tells me he has life very right–something I missed the memo on (must’ve been sick that day).

I used to be a repentant sinner, fully aware of my misdeeds.

I’ve become holier-than-thou, a Bible thumper.  (Hate that word.  Maybe because it can be so fitting.)

I need to chill.  Take a grace pill.  Slow down my racing thoughts because God never appointed me judge (that position’s filled).  I need to start examining my own life instead of others.

That seems impossible!  I’ve struggled so often and so long with this critical/perfectionist nature.  But God specializes in the impossible.

I keep asking Him to make me come fully alive.  And maybe this is how: by bringing me face-to-face with my terrible attitude.

I need grace.

But God doesn’t just dole it out.  He wants me to give OTHERS grace first.  If I don’t forgive them, why should He forgive me?

So do I just go around forgiving everyone–even the stupid ones that wrecked my heart?  The senseless things done so carelessly and callously against me that caused untold amounts of hurt?

Yep.  Especially those.  For they have the proclivity (I know, big word) to do the most damage if I hold onto them.

Today is time for some Spiritual House-Cleaning: Forgive so-and-so.  Call the person I’ve avoided for months.  Delete that (harsh) rebuttal email.  Listen and practice Paul’s words:

“One thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Phil. 3).

Forget past.  Press toward goal.  Get prize!

This is the key to being fully alive.  Delete junk in memory bank.  Embrace godly passions/calling in Christ (not in worldly stuff).  When I do, life abundant will awaken in my heart again, deadness will fall away, and I will be free to focus on my God-given passions instead of chastising myself for every failure (or chastising poor you).

So I think I will.  My prize beckons :)

Playing it (Too) Safe

Just turned twenty-eight.  Wooohooo.  Blow the kazoo, I’m one step closer to 30!

From the get-go of this year, I sensed God saying that this was the year I’d face my fears. 

Uh oh. 

You see, I had this sudden twenty-eight-year-old epiphany.  I’m not fully living.

Why not?  I’m scared to.

I’m confined–or rather, I confine myself–to a handful of places (all pre-screened of course).  Anywhere I feel safe.

But I’ve never been a “stay-at-home, play-it-safe” kinda girl.  Or rather, I wasn’t.  This is a recent development.

Growing up, I was an adventurer at heart!  Amelia Earhart was my favorite heroine.  I relished the joy of discovery–in my backyard, with new friends, learning new ideas.  With people, I boldly trusted often and many.  People mocked my open-eyed wonder and idealistic view of life, but I was ummoved.  I had no reason to question the beauty of our world.

I’ve been an explorer throughout my life.  As a child, my family jet-setted us around the country.  Then in college, I studied abroad, trekking across a near-dozen European countries, and later spent time in South Africa on a missions trip.  After graduation, I spent a semester at a leadership institute in Colorado Springs, then took a three-week roadtrip across the country before settling “home” in Florida for a few years.  Next came a dramatic move to Atlanta, and ultimately I landed here in Austin, Texas.

I loved all of it–the adventures, up and downs, sleeping in airports, planes-trains-automobiles, crazy experiences and had-to-be-there moments.

While abroad, I learned something fascinating.  In life, there are two types of people: Travelers and Tourists.  We can learn a lesson from both.

Tourists are focused on checklists, efficiency, tour guides and buses.  They can’t fathom wasting precious travel time on an unplanned detour.  They want to somehow control the process of discovery and, thus, miss the very essence of traveling.  Yes, they saw The Pietà and walked the Great Wall of China, but they did so at the expense of the journey–being immersed in a new world, interacting with people not-unlike-themselves.

Au contraire, Travelers linger in each place they visit, taking in the sights/sounds/tastes/funny people/and quirky charm of each destination.  They chill at a cafe instead of standing in line for the Eiffel Tower.  They allow the journey to lead them down unexpected paths–and don’t try to mold their experience to some guidebook.

Okay, you’re wondering, What do Travelers and Tourists have to do with “playing it safe”?

Everything!

With each new place I visited, my world got bigger.  My travels forced me outside my American mentality and broadened horizons.  Suddenly my world exploded in size.  I know, cliche right?  But true!

We must leave our tiny towns to realize how big our world is and appreciate that as fellow people, we’re “all in this together”, regardless of our locale.

When we stay in the smallness of our worlds, we can forget others living with much deeper needs than ours or who are plodding the same path we are.

Living small makes us small.  We lose sight of new ways of living and think our culture has the best and only way.  Hah!  :) We should try a Spanish siesta for a change-of-pace or lounge in restaurants for 3 to 4 hours like the French do.  Maybe we should visit Hong Kong’s brightly-lit grittiness or encounter the third-world-country reality.

I believe our borders are much too small.  And sadly, in my own life, I’ve forgotten these lessons. 

I’ve lost sight of our big world–allowed fear to thrive and squeeze out my adventurous spirit.  I’ve started living dangerously small–don’t-leave-the-house, don’t-talk-to-people-everyday, worry-about-our-cushy-5-figure-income small.

I’ve gotten–comfortable.  I’ve stopped taking risks.  I’ve stopped putting myself out there.  I’ve started hiding in my comfort zone, fearing newness and settling into (say it ain’t so!) routines.  (For Adventurers at heart, routine is a four-letter word!)

“So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future.

The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day, to have a new and different sun.”

-Chris McCandless, “Into the Wild”

When did I become like this?

I’ve become a shell of myself.  I’m not connecting with people anymore.  And in marriage, I’m reaching a wall–the wall built with my two hands.  The wall of isolation, the one I erected (funny word :) to keep others at bay.

And it’s working.

No one knows the hurt I carry except my (sweet) (overwhelmed) (strong/brave) hubby.  He witnesses the meltdowns, the fear-filled accusations hurled his way, the trepidation and caution with which I approach new people now.

Apparently somewhere along the way, my heart decided it’d had enough.  People were ‘all the same’, more or less, and relationships were painful.  People weren’t who they said they were–didn’t stick around like they promised–took without apology or retribution–didn’t care, wrapped up in their own worlds (me included).

In short, people were people.

So I stopped journeying out of my comfort zone, embracing new places and people and experiences, investing in new relationships.  I maintained old ones, yes, but tentatively.  And you-better-believe I cut off any decidedly crappy friends.

My pastor called me out recently, exposing a false belief I didn’t even know I had.  He recognized my need for Control in my life today, saying my strict religious upbringing (wonderful in ways, very controlled in others) gave me a sense of security with its high level of “Controls”.  When I ventured beyond these in college and got hurt, I re-implemented serious Controls to make sure that never happened again.  Some call this legalism.  I like to call it being religulous :)

I convinced myself that controlling my world would keep me safe–so I made sure nothing threatened my security again.  This required a major adjustment to my adventure-loving lifestyle.

I began avoiding risky adventures with the same gusto I once pursued them.  I stopped revisiting any place I’d been scarred, especially Big Bad Scary Places like bars/clubs, parties, and anywhere with free-flowing alcohol and undisciplined men [wisely so, I'll add].  This spilled over into an avoidance of certain sections of town… then being around people who reminded me of so-and-so… then eventually anywhere–in large part–outside of God’s house (not entirely safe either, as there are humans in there!).

I thought this was the answer to pain–avoid crazy adventures, people and places, and be content staying right where you’re at.

So I went into hiding.

I’ve hidden in judgment (certainly), religiousness/spiritual activity, and–most alarming to me because I wasn’t aware til marriage–denying reality.

But withdrawing isn’t the answer.  It can’t be.  God says ‘Go into all the world’, something my younger self said YES! to without question.  Every time I withdraw, I squelch who I really am: that excited traveler who relishes each new discovery made.

My tiny, fear-based, me-centered world is miserable.  But where can I go?  How can I be safe out there?  Lions.  Tigers.  Bears!

But when I’m old, do I want to say I lived “free from harm”, avoiding every imperfection/sin in others (and thus pain)?  Each tempting scenario and uncontrollable situation?

No.  Never.

So I can’t stay here anymore.  I must conquer this debilitating fear or risk traveling the landscape of my life like a Tourist: full of checklists, ‘to-dos’, rigid rules and especially “Thou shalt nots”.  I’ll be so focused on controlling my life that I’ll miss the beautiful journey altogether. 

And I think that would be the saddest sin of all.  To live small.

So how do I break myself free from this “prison” of one?  And how will you?