The World Begins Again

“Baby’s black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
You’re not thinking bout tomorrow
‘Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees”

{Written yesterday morning, May 15th, 2012}

This morning I awoke with a very heavy heart.  Vulnerable and open and sensitive and broken.  In this twilight sleep, I was reminded of a song I heard yesterday, Black Balloon by the Goo Goo Dolls, and it suddenly came to me…. what this girl’s “black balloon” was.

Drugs.

Lead singer Johnny Rzeznik was singing about her addiction, how it overtook her life, how he “almost fell into that hole in [her] life”.  This black balloon made her fly & “was [her] womb” – sheltering her from the harsh realities of the world.

Goo Goo Dolls songs seem to carry a deep weight with them.  But not a good weight.  Each time I’ve heard one lately, I’ve recognized why they resonate deeply with us, with me, especially my younger self.  They speak of deep things we experience as we grow up: losing our dreams, losing love, abortion (who knew Slide was about that?), pain, growing up in a harsh world.  Their common thread is this:

Hopelessness.

They don’t impart hope at all.  In fact they seemingly overwhelm you with despair.  Iris, Black Balloon, Name, and all their other great hits bring me to the same place: dark and empty.

After my mini revelation today, I read about Rzeznik’s upbringing – his parents’ deaths during his teens, raised by his sisters, his wife (or bandmate Robbie’s wife/ex-wife, they won’t say) being addicted to heroin and him trying to save her from falling deeper into that pit.  It was all incredibly – sad.  No wonder this guy’s songs throb with pain and depth.  This guy’s been through it.  But sadly, he hasn’t made it to the other side where hope is.

I hate seeing people suffer perpetually, their whole life one tragedy after another or at best a dark/cynical comedy.  It’s not meant to be like that.  God’s given us such hope!

BUTTERFLIES

Butterflies keep standing out to me lately.  They seem to be everywhere I go.  In our Costa Rican bedroom wall painting (above).  On the ranch’s fig trees.  In Costa Rica’s rainforest.  Even on Pinterest.

I read this on a Christian website about biblical symbols:

The butterfly Christian symbol represents and symbolizes the Resurrection.  The butterfly has 3 phases during its life:

1. The caterpillar – The caterpillar which just eats symbolises normal earthly life where people are preoccupied with taking care of their physical needs.
2. The chrysalis or cocoon – The chrysalis or cocoon resembles the tomb.
3. The butterfly – The butterfly represents the resurrection into a glorious new life free of material restrictions.

I hurt for the GGD lead singer and anyone else who goes through “the dark night”, enters the cocoon but never breaks free to the other side.  They stay in darkness.  Their cocoon, meant to be the death of their carnal (ungodly) nature and the place where they’re transformed into something beautiful, becomes their tomb instead of their womb - their birthing place.

They die.  And never come back to life.  They miss freedom on the other side of their painful journey.

Balloons were never meant to symbolize our dark addictions, black ones choking the life out of us and killing our dreams.

I envision balloons as childhood playthings that encapsulate how we felt as kids – carefree, flying, being above the pain and disappointment of the world, alive and free.  Many of us didn’t know pain or disappointment then.  We were drawn to balloons because they were like us: free from entanglements and floating above the mess.

So this morning, with all this swirling in my mind and on my heart….

I sat down to read God’s word.  I needed His comfort, words of hope and life.  And what two passages did I come across?  Job (knee-deep in misery) and Lazarus (dead in the tomb).  Hmm!

Job lost 10 kids (!!), his good health, his sweet wife (who turned bitter, as a former mother of ten might), his wealth, and his status.  Overnight.  Then his friends turned on him, blaming him for his misfortune.

And Lazarus?  He was overtaken by an illness that killed him.  I turned today to the part where people were murmuring that if only Jesus had been there, perhaps He could’ve saved Lazarus from death!  Mary telling Jesus she didn’t want to roll back the tombstone for fear of the stench.  And Jesus telling her Did I not tell you and promise you that if you would believe and rely on Me, you would see the glory of God? 

Then I read the unthinkable, mind-blowing conclusion: Lazarus alive!  And Job restored (two-fold)!!

God brought resurrection, renewal, HOPE to each of these desperately awful circumstances.  He’s been doing this in my life in recent months, too.  Amazingness.

“So will it be with the resurrection of the dead.  The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.”  ~1 Cor. 15:42-44

“For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.”  ~1 Cor. 15:52

Are all these things a signal to me….?  Is God surely saying He’s bringing resurrection life – renewed hope – back into my life?  Into areas I’ve deemed “dead” in the past, completely without hope of being awake/alive again?

Is He saying that to you, too?

Tags: addiction, beauty from ashes, Better days, Black Balloon, broken, brokenness, butterflies, butterfly, despair, drugs, free, freedom, from death to life, Goo Goo Dolls, Hope, Jesus, job, John Rzeznik, Lazarus, new life, redemption, renewed hope, resurrection, set free

Sex by Design

I had this crazy epiphany yesterday, a radical paradigm shift in my thinking!  But to make sense of it, I should start at square one.

The environment and culture I grew up in echoed a recurring message to me: Sex is bad.    

As a result, I not only learned that there is something inherently wrong with sex but also – as an extension – with anyone who desired it.

Recognizing that I and the people around me have such desires, I connected the dots: Our desires for sex must be evil and we ourselves must be bad for wanting something so evil.

And this is what I grew up believing, even after sex became part of my daily life in marriage.

But yesterday something changed.  I had a sudden realization sweep over me.

Our sexual desires aren’t some perverse, lust-driven motivation we have.  Yesterday I understood with perfect clarity that our desire for sex is wrapped up in a deep human longing to be loved, to love, and to be intimately close to someone else.  

It dawned on me that sexuality demonstrates our heart’s need to connect with someone fully, to share our beds, our bodies, and our whole hearts with them.  And that is a very wonderful thing!

It seemed so simple – this new way of thinking – that I wondered how sex could get such a bad rap in my mind this whole time.

In my upbringing, I came to believe that sex was a four-letter word.  Any desires I had to participate in it were guilty by association and made me feel shameful.  The mere acknowledgment of another person’s desires had me directing shame their way, too.

I know, sad.  How could I have missed it for so long, this beautiful creation we’ve painted black?

Sex is not some animalistic impulse.  It isn’t a natural urge we must satisfy, like eating or sleeping.  And it isn’t a mere quelling of hormones ’til the next time they surface.  These pictures make sex so small, so mind-numbingly petty… wouldn’t you agree?

It may be that way for the primates and porpoises among us.  But for human beings, God made us beautifully different!  And He’s made that clear.

He made us His own and created us just like Him - in His image!  And what is God’s driving force throughout all of Scripture?!?

CONNECTION.  

RELATIONSHIP.  

With us!  And between us!  

Relationship is the very reason Jesus came to earth: to reconnect us with our Father after our sin broke the relationship beyond human repair.  Relationship is His very heartbeat.

And because we’re made like Him, is it any wonder we’re seeking these same things on earth: Deep connection and unmasked intimacy?

The very things our healthy sexuality delivers.

Sex connects us with another and with the Divine.  It’s been equated with heaven on earth, and this is no mistake.  When we get a taste of intimacy, it shows us how deeply we’re capable of connecting with someone else and how deeply we can be known… and boy is that aweeeee-some!

Sex doesn’t simply connect two body parts.  It connects all of who you are with all of who they are, and joins two eternal souls together.  That is magnificent!

And that is precisely why some expressions of sexuality cannot be God’s design… because they connect us with no other or connect us for only a season!  We’ve misused sex as some sort of recreational vehicle, meant to satisfy a physical urge while neglecting the spiritual and emotional bonds formed during the real thing.

Sex is not lust.  Sex is neutral.  It’s what we clothe ourselves in when we partake in it that makes it ‘good’ or ‘bad’.

When we approach someone to become intimate with them, are we motivated by true love for the other, the God-given desire to find connection outside of ourselves with that person?  Or are we driven to merely make our bodies feel good, to feel wanted by another, and to feel powerful – to take from them to feed our own hunger?

One type of sex connects and brings together.  The other consumes and tears apart.  They may feel the same, but they are worlds apart.  It’s no wonder sex has been misinterpreted so much.

If sex is a gun, then are our hands wielding it to protect and love someone or to steal and take what isn’t rightfully ours?

Sex is God’s idea, not a shameful one but His creative way to connect us in the ultimate form of intimacy… and a beautiful way to experience heaven on earth.

Tags: God's design for sex, intimacy, Jesus, lust, marriage, relationships, sex, sex by design, sexuality

Continually Before Me

This Scripture passage is so beautiful.  Reminds me of my pastor’s sermon yesterday – about building your life on God, “The Rock”!

I’ve built my life on nearly every thing possible except Him.  When hard times hit, my life crumbled just like Scripture says it will to the man who builds his life on sand.

Yet the man who reads God’s words and applies them to his life will be “blessed in all he does”.  I want to be blessed in all I do, don’t you?

And more than anything, when hard times hit, I want to have the Rock in my life to draw near to… One who loves me and shows His strength when my life shatters.

We can’t know God fully until we experience Him as our Refuge, our Safe Haven, our Rock.

Happy Monday :)
Summer 

Psalm 16

¹Keep and protect me, O God, for in You I have found refuge, and in You do I put my trust and hide myself.

²I say to the Lord, You are my Lord; I have no good beside or beyond You.

³As for the godly (the saints) who are in the land, they are the excellent, the noble, and the glorious, in whom is all my delight.

⁴Their sorrows shall be multiplied who choose another god; their drink offerings of blood will I not offer or take their names upon my lips.

⁵The Lord is my chosen and assigned portion, my cup; You hold and maintain my lot.

⁶The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; yes, I have a good heritage.

⁷I will bless the Lord, Who has given me counsel; yes, my heart instructs me in the night seasons.

⁸I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.

⁹Therefore my heart is glad and my glory [my inner self] rejoices; my body too shall rest and confidently dwell in safety,

¹⁰For You will not abandon me to Sheol (the place of the dead), neither will You suffer Your holy one [Holy One] to see corruption.

¹¹You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore.

Expecting Prince Charming

Ladies, this one is for us.

You know when you like a guy — like, REALLY like him — so much you’re willing to let him get away with ‘bad behavior’, maybe treat you less than you hoped for?  Maybe you jump at his last-minute invitations for any chance to hang out with him, or excuse him when he neglects to call when promised, or turn a blind eye to his over-drinking/ over-spending/ over-anything?

Boy do I know!

A great girl friend of mine was dealing with her ex recently who was trying to win her heart again.  He told her wonderful, sweet things about how he’d wait for and work hard for her.  It all sounded so wonderful.

But I just wasn’t sure.  My gut told me otherwise, and I didn’t know why?  So we had a “girl talk” and broke it down.  [Thank God for the girl talk!  How many a woman has been spared by the advice and counsel of her friends?]  :)

Our conversation sparked great ideas, ones that all us women need to hear, so now I’m sharing them with you.

But girls, before reading further, know my heart is for every woman to have great relationships and make the best decisions, not for ourselves only but for the people around us, too.  I hope every woman finds a WONDERFUL man to share her life with, and I think God has one in store for everyone He’s prepared for marriage!  It weighs heavily on me when girls struggle, wanting to find a true love who seems non-existent.  I’ve been there and it’s tough.

What us ladies must realize is that, yes, God is in control of our world, but we still have a choice and a say in the matter.  Many a woman shoots herself in the foot, wasting time with the wrong type of men, and making choices that move her further away from the man she really wants.  Our love lives are not all “up to fate” or God.  You, my friend, have a weighty say in the matter.  That was my message to my girl friend last week and now it’s my message to you.

In our conversation, I offered my friend practical advice from a girl who has been blessed beyond belief with a loving man.  Do I deserve him?  Hardly.  But did I take certain steps to attract the type of man who would respect me, treat me better than “okay”, and value me?  You better believe I did.

This advice works.  It’s worked for me and plenty of ladies besides me.  So hear me out and open yourself to perhaps a new perspective.  I hope you’ll begin to expect the guy in your life to be a true man, instead of staying stuck in ’adultescence’ for years to come, and that you’ll begin to call out the best in him.  What he may not know – and what I’ve just discovered — is that he secretly needs that from you.

Below is our heart-to-heart:

I was careful with my husband… I made him “work” for my heart, and he’s told me how much he treasures me because he had to put so much effort into it.  I’ve learned through him and other men that men want to sacrifice for the right lady!  If it comes easy, yes part of them likes that [the childish side of them], but deep-down they feel MANLY when they have to sacrifice / give up something for a woman.  Not kidding, this is how men are hardwired!  If you’re with a man who just wants whatever comes easiest, he is not a man, he’s a boy still and he’s NOT marriage material (yet!!) ;).  To find a commitment-minded man, you as the woman must encourage him to commit in various “stages”.  If he’s gun shy about it, he may not be ready 1) to settle down or 2) for you.

My friend said this Sunday night- that the guy in her life can’t be the right guy for her “because he has two kids”.  Then she said, “Let’s be honest… for the right guy, that wouldn’t matter” (meaning he’s not it).  Same with guys.  They’ll commit regardless of obstacles if you’re the right girl and they’re ready.  Us ladies need to stop making excuses for them and kick them to the curb!!!  hahaha :)

With that said, regarding your situation, your man seems commitment-oriented!  Woohoo!  But he has to re-earn your trust.  He’ll wait it out and stay by your side if it’s worth it to him.  And he’ll treasure you and respect you more because you didn’t take crap from him!  A woman can whip a man into shape easily by what she will and will not tolerate!  I’ve let my husband know – without being a supreme diva about it – that for us to work well, I will not tolerate several things.  He knows this and respects my desires.  Likewise he has boundaries for me that I try to respect.  Your “list” may differ, but the principle is the same: Your future man will jump through whatever hoops you put up (within reason haha) to win your heart!!!

I think you’ll get a wonderful man because you = AMAZING WOMAN but you can get less-than-ideal treatment even from the RIGHT man if you tolerate it.  Set the bar and don’t be afraid to set it high!  Men LOVE a woman who respects herself.  It’s like a real man’s mating call haha!!  TRUST ME.  Don’t settle for less!  And remember my fave line: “You catch what you bait for.” 

When my friend confided that she wished someone would tell the guy in her life what she wanted, my response was:

Why don’t you tell him this yourself?  No one told Brian what I wanted and needed in a man but me!  Honest communication is the best place to start.

I so dearly desire to see my friends and other women have strong healthy relationships!!  I think many ladies, myself included for the longest time, don’t realize they can make positive changes in their relationships to improve them!  I want my girlfriends to know they don’t have to merely wait for “the right guy to come along” but that they can encourage men around them to “step up to the plate” and be men.  Guys often need that encouragement/ push from their ladies to be the man they wanna be and that we need them to be.

My friend:

I do that a lot.  I think some knight in shining armor is going to come along and swoop me off my feet and keep living this fantasy instead of expecting the reality from who is around me!  This really resonates with me Summ.

Me:

I want people’s relationships and lives to improve.  But to have better lives and better relationships, we have to make tough choices sometimes (like refusing to enable addicts, for instance) for things to improve….and sometimes they get worse before they get better, which is not fun.  I wish people would not take it as criticism or judgment.  There are certain choices we can make that hurt us, and I try to discourage these and encourage good choices so people don’t experience what I did.  Wish someone had coached me BEFORE my life took a nosedive!

Once my friend talked to her guy and told him what she wanted and needed in a relationship, he said he wasn’t ready :(  While this was tough to hear, it’s a huge blessing because she doesn’t waste precious time with a man who’s not right for her.  She has now — by being bold enough to tell him what she expects in her ideal relationship — freed up her heart for a better man to enter her life.  So proud of her!!!!!  This was my last response:

The man who you marry will be ready and will love you and not have huge issues.  I’m SO GLAD you can break free and move forward now.  That’s why I LOVE the DTR… it clarifies relationship expectations when you’re confused so you don’t waste time with someone who isn’t ready for what you are.  I’ve used it too and saved myself lots of heartache!  You are not dumb for having an open heart.  That shows you’re in a place that he isn’t.

So sorry.  But also happy you’re free from getting hurt further.  See?  Your gut instinct with him was spot-on.  You were guarded for good reason.  Us ladies need to follow our gut more often :)

I think you’re stronger than him, and every girl needs a man who’s stronger than she is.  He’s got some work to do with himself before he’s ready to settle down.

Girls, I’m not advocating we be demanding divas, expecting a perfect man to open every door and roll out the red carpet.  But please value yourself more and do not, as Scripture says, “Throw your pearls before swine.”  Don’t do it!  You are worth far more than pearls, and any man unwilling to wait for you is not right for you.

Walk away, don’t apologize for your standards, and wait for a man who treasures you.  He won’t be perfect, but he will love you and respect you the way God created you to be.  Don’t accept anything less than God’s best.  He’s out there, and he wants to rise to the challenge of winning your heart one day and one sacrifice at a time — but he needs you to let him.  Don’t accept a boy, otherwise he may have no reason to grow up and be a man.

Lastly, it’s important to mention that, yes, my husband is an incredible man, but I did not make him into the man he is today.  With God’s help, he made the choice to step up to the plate, be a man, and win my heart the old-fashioned way.  But you better believe my personal decisions weighed heavily into the health of our relationship and now our marriage.

It has NOT been an easy road.  But trust me on this one, the harder the fight, the sweeter the victory, and the deeper the love can be.

I believe that if my dream came true, yours can too.

xoxox
Summer

‘Tis the Season!

Mary DeMuth just posted this fantastic idea.  Every day in December leading up to Christmas, her family celebrated the holiday season in a unique way.

She created a homemade Advent calendar and wrote ideas to celebrate the season on little slips of paper.  She then put one idea in each pocket, and every day pulled out a new activity to celebrate with her family.  So cute!

Hop on over to Mary’s blog or read her Christmas Advent list below.  Enjoy this Christmas!

• Read the Christmas story in several gospels over the course of several days.

• Read a favorite Christmas book. (Since we have several, this accounts for many pieces of paper.)

• Sing a Christmas carol into someone else’s voice mail.

• Make paper snowflakes.

• Drive around the community to see the lights.

• Go Christmas caroling.

• Make hot chocolate with mint. (Add ½ tsp mint extract to your existing cup.)

• Make Christmas cookies.

• Take a walk outside and gather branches for the mantle.

• Wrap presents.

• Send Christmas cards.

• Pray for the people who sent you Christmas cards today.

• Make Christmas gifts (usually food like apple butter, spice mixes, homemade hot chocolate mix).

• Attend a community concert.

• Go on a carriage ride. (They have these in our non-snow community. No sleigh rides in Texas!)

• Host a cookie exchange.

• Read the Isaiah prophecies about Jesus.

• Share one thing you’re thankful for over the past year.

• Decorate the Christmas tree.

• Risk your life and hang lights outside. (Our roof has an extremely steep pitch.)

She is Love, She is All I Need

I forgot how much I loved this song.  I’m bringin’ it back tonight :)  At least trying to!

Instead of looking at this as a love song about a girl, look at it as a song about Love itself – how it can save us, rescue us from our fears and doubts, and bring us back to life again.

Peace friends :)

And the lyrics, because lyrics make the world go ’round:

I’ve been beaten down,
I’ve been kicked  around,
But she takes it all for  me.

And I lost my faith,
in my darkest days,
But she makes me want  to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call  her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.
She’s all I need.

Well  I had my ways,
they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same,
all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she’ll be here, yes she’ll be here,
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love. love.

She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I  need.

Tags: doubt, fears, losing faith, love, parachute, she is love, she is love acoustic

Lay it All Down

Music has a way of expressing how we feel… stealing words right outta our hearts, better said than we ever could.  Sometimes they pinpoint how we’ve been feeling or what we’ve been struggling with for so long, something we couldn’t put our own finger on.

This is such a song.

Nightminds
Missy Higgins

Just lay it all down
Put your face into my neck and let it fall out
I know, I know, I know
I knew before you got home

This world you’re in now
It doesn’t have to be alone
I’ll get there somehow, ’cause
I know, I know, I know
When even springtime feels cold

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark
And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds, and into the light
At the end of the fight

You were blessed by
A different kind of inner view
It’s all magnified
The highs would make you fly
But the lows make you want to die

And I was once there
Hanging from that very ledge where you are standing
So I know, I know, I know
It’s easier to let go

But I will learn to breathe this ugliness you see
So we can both be there
And we can both share the dark
And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

And in our honesty, together we will rise
Out of our nightminds
And into the light at the end of the fight

After a time in my life when most of my relationships have been tested and tried, I’ve found myself meditating on what true loyalty means.  What it looks like in relationships.  If it’s possible, even in me.

This song just touched my heart, so I had to share.  It describes the true-blue loyal friend we’re all seeking: one who sees your struggles, sticks by your side through it and shares the dark with you… then helps you walk together toward new light.  New hope and peace.  A new perspective.

God, to be such a friend and to have one!

Tags: alone, friends, friendship, lay it all down, light, loyalty, missy higgins, music, nightminds, relationships, Struggles